Sorcerer (1977)

Quite possibly the worst case of mis-titling in movie history, Sorcerer is a taut suspense thriller that has nothing to do with magic. A remake of the 1953 Henri-Georges Clouzot film Wages of Fear, Sorcerer holds its own. Roy Scheider stars as one of four criminals who, having fled to South America, picks up the highly dangerous job of driving two trucks loaded full of unstable nitroglycerin through the Amazonian jungle. The first hour of the picture sets up backstory, while also establishing the gritty, unrelenting mood of the picture. It's pretty intense on its own, but once the men finally get into their trucks and out on the road, the film really steps it up. Torrential downpours, road blocks, and all around mortifying suspense leave you no room to breathe. Mr Friedkin succeeds again in turning out a film that just doesn't let up. The score by Tangerine Dream is fantastic both in the film (I wanted more!) and as a standalone soundtrack, even though at first glance it might not seem appropriate. Check it out.

8/10

As a final note, the DVD copy of Sorcerer is subpar by modern standards, and I hope someday we can get the proper restoration and widescreen transfer this film deserves.

Exorcist, The (1973)

William Friedkin's horror movie classic holds up well today. Rarely does a picture frighten like The Exorcist does, and it's not because of jump cuts or creepy faces--those are certainly startling, but not terrifying. A jump cut or a creepy face dies after it's played its role. Atmosphere lingers on. The Exorcist has one of the most dread-filled, claustrophobic moods of any horror film I've ever seen. It's a combination of the unknown and the unholy. None of it feels like the hollow, artificially designed atmosphere of your typical horror film. The Exorcist grabs you and doesn't let go, much like the demon possessing Regan. What I love about this movie is that it does not sacrifice character, story, or acting for the sake of cheap thrills or easy scares. The Exorcist works for its scares, and it pays off. The slick direction is aided by some pretty polished production values: Dick Smith's makeup effects are fantastic, but what really stood out was the sound design. A must see.

9/10

Skyfall (2012)

Daniel Craig returns for his third installment in the new Bond series, and the brute's been smoothed out a bit. Humor makes a welcome return to the franchise, and they've toned down the shakiness of the action scenes. The filmmakers strike a balance between the epileptic style of the first two Craig films and the more polished style of the films preceding them. The film is very playful, with some almost Pierce-ian banter and cute nods to past films. At first I was slightly apprehensive about delving into Bond's past, but the execution was tasteful. Javier Bardem's villain was amazing--he really knocked it out of the park. Both Bond girls were attractive, but I didn't think they added much. I'd say the music was the weakest link: John Barry's music is so iconic and distinctive to the franchise, I don't know why the producers don't want to own it. Instead we have a kind of middle ground generic Bond soundtrack with brief homages into Barry-esque sound. Great film. Best of the Daniel Craig films so far. Go see it.

8/10

PS: For God's sake, put the goddamn gunbarrel sequence at the beginning of the film. 

PPS: The title animation was pretty good. I thought Adele's theme was good as well until the chants came in. What is it with chanting in pop music these days?

Danger: Diabolik (1968)

Charmingly cheesy, Danger: Diabolik is an Italian comic book movie produced and directed by schlock masters Dino de Laurentiis and Mario Bava, respectively. Diabolik (John Phillip Law) thwarts the police force every step of the way as he heists all sorts of goodies--$10 million, an emerald necklace, and a 20-ton ingot of gold!--for his gorgeous girlfriend and sidekick Eva (Marisa Mell). The production is quite lavish, employing a plethora of neat camera tricks, grandiose set designs, and elaborate matte paintings. The score by Ennio Morricone rips through the film, with acid-drenched guitars and the loungey yet somewhat Bondian theme song "Deep Deep Down." The combined efforts of Bava, de Laurentiis, (and Morricone) result in a very stylish, garishly colorful, and fun outing. But as is the trend with Bava, style takes precedent over substance. Despite all of the great music and visuals, the acting falls pretty flat, not aided whatsoever by a sometimes dubious dub and a pretty weak script.

6/10

Hellraiser (1987)

From New World Pictures (second only to Cannon) and writer-director Clive Barker comes a gruesome, bloody, and fun horror picture. Larry Cotton (played by Andrew Robinson, the insane Scorpio from Dirty Harry) moves into an old house owned by his family with his second wife. Unbeknownst to him, his brother Frank has gotten into trouble with netherworld overseers, the Cenobites, and his wife Julia is helping him return to the material plane. The story, acting, and production values are a bit low in places, but the atmosphere and special effects make up for it. Slimy, bloody, disjointed prosthetic effects include: the iconic pinhead Cenobite; part of a re-materializing, coagulating body pushing itself through an attic floor before joining itself together; and a floating, wall climbing scorpion-like demon. Hellraiser has issues, but it's good, over-the-top fun.

7/10

Evil of Frankenstein, The (1964)

The Evil of Frankenstein is a serviceable Hammer Horror film that brings nothing new to their Frankenstein franchise. In typical Hammer fashion, the film is a slim 84 minutes and stars Peter Cushing as Dr Frankenstein. After a foiled experiment, Dr Frankenstein returns home to Karlstad where ten years previous his monster (Kiwi Kingston) was chased down and presumed dead. The film doesn't seem to be continuous with the film preceding it, The Revenge of Frankenstein. The production is polished and colorful with some atmospheric sets and special effects, and the creation sequences are notably ratcheted up employing both on-set electrical effects and animated lightning. Not even the grandiose effects sequences can save the picture, though. The film is the first in the series to employ the Universal-style "bucket head" monster, but despite this homage to the 30s films, the makeup work is absolutely horrible. It's short, so if you're a fan of Hammer Frankenstein, I'd watch it. Otherwise, skip it.

5/10

Len Wiseman's Total Recall (2012)

Given my fandom for the original film, it's probably hard to believe me when I say Len Wiseman's take on Total Recall is complete and utter garbage, but it is. Wiseman's Total Recall is basically Verhoeven's Total Recall done over in shades of generic action. Gone is the humor and the playfulness of the original. In its place is an action film that is far stupider than the original, but takes itself far more seriously. Colin Farrell has no on-screen persona or charm and the main women characters--Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel--are nothing but eye candy. The film relies too heavily on computer graphics, and the color scheme is an incredibly unoriginal mix of drab blue, brown, and gray. The camerawork is ADD-addled, and I couldn't believe the number of lens flares. They try to keep the dream/reality ambiguity of the original, but it seems like Wiseman is more concerned with forcing "cool" action setpieces than with providing anything intelligent, logical, or competent.

3/10

Fortress (1992)

In a world where prisons are corporatized and reproductive rights are severely restricted and regulated, Christopher Lambert and wife try to have a second child, only to be arrested and taken to a prison complex that is run by a mentally unstable warden (Kurtwood Smith). This film is super cheesy but a lot of fun. With lines like "I'm never not going to love you," you can tell that the quality of writing was not the filmmakers' main focus. Neither was acting, as they chose the perpetually inept Lambert to play the main character. Luckily, the film does not rest on his acting and more on the special effects and cool futuristic prison setting. Jeffrey Combs and Vernon Wells are both in pretty fantastic supporting roles. The prosthetic effects are awesome, most of which revolve around a pain and/or death delivery device implanted into the prisoners' gut called an Intestinator. Fortress is no masterpiece, but it's a solid 90s action film.

6/10

Dark Knight Rises, The (2012)

Christopher Nolan's final film in the new Batman trilogy is entertaining but messy. The cast is absolutely fantastic, and the film has many exciting and well-executed scenes. Unfortunately the script is full of plot holes, the writing is pandering, and the film feels like a hollow imitation of its predecessor. Despite the 165 minute run time, the pacing is rushed, leaving no time for anything to sink in. Nolan throws in a few of his favorite pseudo-philosophy / morally ambiguous "thinking" moments, but they feel forced and fake. Tom Hardy's Bane is interesting, but the terrible mixing choice for his voice consistently pulled me out of the picture. So did Hans Zimmer's obnoxiously loud score. Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Michael Caine, and Morgan Freeman all turned in good performances and were a pleasure to watch. Hell, even Anne Hathaway was decent. Cotillard was irritating as all hell, though. The film had a lot going for it, but it was just sloppy.

6/10

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

I'm going to skip Moonraker for now. I'll get to it later.

Roger Moore returns for his fifth outing as James Bond. The plot is boring, the henchmen are boring, and the Bond girls are boring. Fortunately, the stunts and action scenes are really great. Bond certainly skied a lot during Roger Moore's run, but this time we've got spiked-tire motorcycles in hot pursuit. Bond scales a mountain to get to the fortress at the top. Bond swims in yet another set of underwater scenes. Roger Moore is bearable here, maybe looking a little wrinkly, but he is supported by some good actors: Topol and Julian Glover. The Bond girl Melina is striking, but there's not really any chemistry there. The blonde ice skater protege is probably the single worst Bond girl in a film, but I don't think she really counts. Although the music by Bill Conti was grating at first--Rocky does Bond--it grew on me. It's not a great Bondian soundtrack, especially not with that horrible Sheena Easton theme song, but it's pretty fun. Altogether, a pretty enjoyable flick.

6/10

Spy Who Loved Me, The (1977)

The Spy Who Loved Me is a slight improvement over the previous installment--Bond's character is a little less inconsistent and the film is a little better executed--but I feel the film is a hollow imitation of From Russia with Love. Bond is sent on a joint Anglo-Soviet mission to discover what happened to two nuclear submarines that were stolen from both countries, partnering up with a wide-eyed Soviet spy played by Barbara Bach. Unfortunately, her acting is unbearable. The 70s are in full swing here, and they don't treat Bond well. Flared tuxedo pants, tacky cars, and a wakka-wakka 70s TV soundtrack mar the film. The puns are embarrassingly bad. The villain is kind of lame, but his base is pretty cool. The special effects are executed quite well, with some really fantastic miniature work. The best part of the film is Richard Kiel's Jaws--cheesy but menacing, indestructible but not yet the caricature he became in Moonraker.

5/10

PS: I can't help but wonder why the far more attractive Caroline Munro was not given a more significant role in the film.

Man with the Golden Gun, The (1974)

Good lord, what a stinker. The Man with the Golden Gun has an interesting premise, Christopher Lee as the villain, and polished production values (a bit cartooned up--goddamn you slide whistle!), but it ultimately falls flat due to an uninspired script, a poorly developed characterization of Bond (agitated further by Roger Moore), and the dreadful Mary Goodnight. I enjoyed the Asian setting (China and Bangkok), but there's definitely some subdued racism going on there, particularly with the character of JW (why the HELL did they bring him back?). Bond is no stranger to women or being a brute, but he usually has more finesse than this. All he does in this is crack lame jokes, gallivant around with women, and beat the pants off people for information. It's like they forced the animalistic nature of Sean Connery's Bond onto Roger Moore, and it is just unbearable. Which is probably the best word to describe the film as a whole.

4/10

Thunderball (1965)

Thunderball is the fourth James Bond outing, and it's a film with great visuals and some really fantastic production values. Emilio Largo (#2 member of SPECTRE) hijacks two nuclear weapons and threatens their usage on the world unless the world pays up. James Bond has his hands full juggling femme fatales and a megalomaniacal villain. The direction and editing is excellent, with just the right touch of that forced acceleration in the action scenes that is characteristic of Bond in the 60s. John Barry hits his stride here, turning out a fantastic score as well as a great theme song sung by Tom Jones. The biggest problem with the film--a very prominent problem--is the excessive use of underwater action scenes. While not poorly done from a production standpoint, the underwater sequences are a chore to sit through. They're well-lit and the action is pretty clear, but the underwater setting cripples sound design and movement, which ruins the pacing.

7/10

District 9 (2009)

District 9 is a clever sci-fi thriller that discusses xenophobia, cultural and racial alliances, and corporate ethics. Aliens touch down in Johannesburg, and the humans decide to provide them aid which eventually results in a slum district and sub-par treatment. The main character is a bumbling fool who heads the project to move all of the aliens to a district farther out, but he becomes ill during the "raid" and begins to transform horrifically. Reminiscent of The Quatermass Xperiment and having a bold display of Starship Troopers-esque CG effects, District 9 does not disappoint. The script is good, the acting is good, even the shaky-cam didn't bother me. Hell, on a budget of $30 million dollars, my jaw was dropping with almost every effects shot just because of the shaky-cam--imagine how much motion matching they had to do! And even then, the effects, while not necessarily looking the greatest, moved fantastically. They had weight and integrated well into the environment. I was impressed.

8/10

Omega Man, The (1971)

The Omega Man is my personal favorite version of I Am Legend, but it takes enormous liberties with the source material. Charlton Heston grouses his way through the film--as usual--playing Robert Neville, a scientist trying to develop a vaccine for a plague that resulted from biological warfare. He remains the last known illness-free survivor. In The Last Man on Earth (1964) and I Am Legend (2007), the plague turns people into vampire-zombies, but in The Omega Man they become light-sensitive albino Luddites called "The Family," ritually attacking and opposing any technology that reminds them of their former selves. The film is silly and campy, the worst of which is Heston talking to himself in the first half of the film. The film also really bounces for 1971, with some really dynamic action sequences and a pretty quick pace. The 70s TV music-style soundtrack also helps this quite a bit. Not a great film, but certainly a fun one.

6/10

Lawnmower Man, The (1992)

The Lawnmower Man is basically Flowers for Algernon for the cyberpunk genre. Pierce Brosnan plays a scientist who takes a mentally handicapped man and uses virtual reality technology to make him smarter with monstrous and unexpected results. While neither lead actor is particularly bad, almost the entirety of the supporting cast is just horrible--from the cops to the FBI agents to you name it. The FBI sub-plot is derivative, the dialogue is atrocious, and the CG effects are embarrassingly bad (I realize it's from 1992, but come on it's still bad). And there's just too goddamn much! The climax is so incredibly convoluted and full of holes that I couldn't believe they actually went with it. In fact, I think the only thing I really liked about the film is the concept. At least we got a few good shots of the soon-to-be Bond running around with a gun and a bag of explosives... which just reminded me how much I would be rather watching Goldeneye.

4/10

Barbarella (1968)

Barbarella psychedella! Barbarella is not a great film by any measure of the imagination, but it's a fun and groovy masterclass of camp. From the opening sequence (Jane Fonda undressing in her shag-carpeted space ship with bouncing animated titles) to the climactic battle, the film is packed full of colorful psychedelic effects, a swingin' lounge-psychedelic soundtrack (if such a thing can exist) by Bob Crewe and Charles Fox, and plenty of opportunities for the very sexy Jane Fonda to be in various states of undress. The plot is pretty thin: Barbarella is dispatched to find Durand Durand... and that's about it. The film is juvenile and doesn't really make sense, but that's kind of the point. It contains enough absurd moments, goofy characters, costume changes, cheesy lines, self-indulgent oil-wheel projector cascades, and tongue-in-cheek humor to keep pretty much anyone's attention for ninety minutes.

6/10

Closing Credits Theme

On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

On Her Majesty's Secret Service is the most emotionally mature and heartbreaking of the Bond films, bringing the character to new highs (and new lows). While Bond's character is developed to a level rarely seen in any of the films, George Lazenby is a doofus, plain and simple. He's just painfully bland compared to the charm and swagger that Sean Connery spoiled us with. The film is a bloated 140 minutes, with much of the runtime dedicated to Bond uncovering Blofeld's rather idiotic plot for global domination--boring and childish. I like Savalas, but I found his Blofeld to be tiresome. The production is polished, with excellent action set pieces (great, but few) and some fantastic special effects (avalanche!). This may be the best Bond score John Barry ever did. And I'm hard-pressed to think of a lovelier, sexier, or smarter Bond girl than Diana Rigg. She's the only Bond girl I've ever become emotionally invested in. It's a shame they had to waste such an incredible production on such a lame Bond.

7/10

Prometheus (2012)

Epic and gorgeous, Prometheus is a worthy entry in the Alien universe. On the flip side of that, though, is a certain element of narrow character development, nasty (although not entirely unwelcome) violence, and unanswered questions. My biggest problem with the film was that none of the main characters were likeable. The team of scientists (presumably) are not very much like a team and, despite the trillion dollar price tag of the expedition, seem to fall apart almost as soon as they wake up. With the exception of Logan Marshall-Green, I found the actors to all range from competent to excellent (especially Michael Fassbender), but again, their characters were irritating. The recurring "what I choose to believe" mantra was particularly annoying because you would think scientists 80 years in the future would set aside religious belief for objectivity, but the mantra also speaks to the plot as the foundation for the expedition has very little evidence beyond belief. The art direction, set design, and special effects were really fantastic. There were a couple splotches of bad CG, but overall I was really impressed.

7/10

PS: Forgot to mention. I thought the score was excellent.

Diamonds are Forever (1971)

Sean Connery's sixth outing as Bond is a shift from his first five. Instead of colorful, exotic locales, Bond's mission leads him to a rather cheap-looking Las Vegas where he uncovers a plot for global domination. Diamonds are Forever is packed with terrible dialogue, goofy scenes (the moon buggy chase scene through the desert), annoying henchmen (Mr Wint and Mr Kidd), and, well, general campiness. Tiffany Case (Jill St John) has always rubbed me the wrong way, but lucky for us, Diamonds are Forever also gave us Plenty O'Toole (Lana Wood). Despite Lana's inability to act, she's still one of the best looking girls in a Bond film. Charles Gray's Blofeld is a goofy mess, which I guess is something you could say of the film as a whole. Except for the music. John Barry's score (including Bassey's "Diamonds are Forever") is top-notch, containing brilliant orchestral arrangements, bombastic brass, and that lick of electric guitar characteristic of Bond in the 60s. Definitely a fun film, just not a great one.

6/10

Caltiki, the Immortal Monster (1959)

Caltiki the Immortal Monster is beautiful schlock fare. While the plot is nothing to write home about, involving an archaeology dig and a giant unicellular blob that eats away flesh and causes its victims to go insane, the black and white cinematography is gorgeous. Cinematographer and uncredited director Mario Bava definitely left his mark on Caltiki through the use of the distinctive black-and-white style that he perfected a year later with Black Sunday. Even with a murky print, the high contrast, bold shadow style was a visual feast. It's too bad Bava didn't make any more B&W films after Black Sunday. The special effects were a mix of good and bad: while Caltiki itself was kind of cheesy being essentially a tripe monster, some of the miniatures were decent, and the eaten-away-flesh gore were pretty convincing. The dubbing is pretty terrible which is to be expected from Italian film from this era, but thankfully it didn't really get in the way. Caltiki is no masterpiece, but it's entertaining enough that it deserves at least a basic clean-up job.

5/10

Green Slime, The (1968)

The Green Slime is a hokey B-movie made by the Japanese with an all American cast in 1968. An asteroid headed to earth is destroyed by an experienced team of astronauts, only to have an unknown lifeform return to their base with them. The writing is incredibly bad causing a lot of unintentional humor, particularly when it comes to the macho posturing between characters Rankin and Eliot. Rankin is basically your run-of-the-mill no nonsense, prominent jawline, and dashing good looks all-American hero. The number of times he shows the ever-whining Eliot who's boss is incredible. The special effects are typical Japanese fare for the period--extensive yet shoddy miniature work and man-in-rubber-suit monsters. Aside from the fun theme song, the soundtrack sounds like they were sorely underbudget because a good majority of it consists of someone noodling one note at a time on an electric guitar. The Green Slime is entertaining but very silly.

4/10

Total Recall (1990)

Where do I even begin with this one? Total Recall is an action masterpiece. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Douglas Quaid, a blue collar worker with a desire to go to Mars. Because his wife won't let him, he gets a memory implant of a Mars vacation--with himself as a secret agent. Something goes wrong, and we spend the rest of the time chasing a secret agent Arnold around not knowing whether he really was a secret agent or just living out his memory implant. Total Recall is a perfect storm of 80s talent: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Paul Verhoeven both in their prime, Sharon Stone in her hottest role (that pants suit!), Michael Ironside playing a deliciously mean henchman, Ronny Cox hot off of playing Dick Jones in Robocop, Rob Bottin doing makeup effects, a screenplay penned by Alien writers Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusett, and a percussive synthesizer-and-brass laden score composed by Jerry Goldsmith. The cinematography by Jost Vacano is dynamic and fluid, gracefully gliding through the scenes and accenting the action. On top of all this, Total Recall is a special effects powerhouse, a textbook film for 80s special effects, employing nearly every trick in the book: miniatures, matte paintings, prosthetics, makeup, puppetry, a generous handful of deliciously bloody bullet squibs, 80s lightning, and even a brief moment of CG. Clever, exciting, and brutally violent, Total Recall is the embodiment of the word "fun." Happy 22nd Birthday, Total Recall.

10/10 (but it's really an 11)

PS I forgot to mention the one-liners! The film is overflowing with great one-liners.

Frankenstein Unbound (1990)

Roger Corman's final film, Frankenstein Unbound, is an interesting yet flawed film. In the future, Dr Buchanan is testing a new laser weapon that creates a "time slip" as a byproduct, causing him to warp back to the 19th century where he meets Dr Frankenstein and monster. The progression and pacing of the plot is a bit slow and stumbles at the end. The cast is phenomenal, with John Hurt and Raul Julia playing the leads, and the aesthetic is lush and colorful like Corman's Haunted Palace. The film dips heavily into it's B-movie roots with moments of gore and violence that are inappropriately over the top. The budget shows when it comes to non-gore special effects, relying heavily upon cheap-looking light projectors and laser effects that are cool at first, then get old. A valiant effort by Corman and a fascinating take on the Frankenstein story, but despite it's ambition and cast, Frankenstein Unbound ultimately fails to be anything more than a polished B-movie.

6/10

Strange Impersonation (1946)

A genuine B-movie from the 1940s, Strange Impersonation manages to take a pretty overused (and outlandish) revenge plot and make it interesting... then completely destroy it. The story follows a brilliant scientist who tests an anesthetic upon herself and has her face disfigured by a jealous lab assistant. Somehow, she manages to fake her own death, get plastic surgery, and begin a plot for revenge. Although they're pretty cliche now, I still find face swap stories to be pretty interesting. The two main actresses were both pretty good despite the film being a low-budget endeavor, and the direction was pretty good as well. The film is nothing particularly original, but for a good deal of the film I was entertained. What killed it for me--and the reason why I would suggest you skip the film--is the ending (spoilers ahead): It was all a dream. I should have expected it, but no matter how outlandish a plot is I hope that the movie won't resort to the ultimate cop-out like Strange Impersonation did. Disappointing.

5/10

Zardoz (1974)

Zardoz, had it been done properly, could have been entertaining and maybe even thought-provoking. As it stands, it's a failed attempt at high-concept plagued by self-indulgence, camp, and sloppiness. Sean Connery stars as Zed, an exterminator that discovers he has a purpose among the seemingly foreign "Eternals" who are forever youthful psychics. But despite their utopia, there's trouble bubbling in their society. Connery spends most of his time gallivanting around in a bright orange speedo, acting as the Eternals' experiment and slave. In terms of style, other than the miniature of Zardoz, the film seems to go the route of low budget, lo-fi "effects" which causes some laughable moments. There was a certain sloppiness to the whole thing. I thought the underlying foundation of the plot/setting was fascinating and creative, but the execution was very poor. Zardoz is a film that unfortunately hangs between quality and camp. Not good enough to be good, but not bad enough enough to be funny.

3/10

Dracula, Prince of Darkness (1966)

Dracula, Prince of Darkness (1966) is the first direct sequel to Horror of Dracula (1958), and it's an excellent one at that. Four innocent travelers get stranded by their coachman and are "invited" to stay in Castle Dracula (despite being warned not to) resulting in the resurrection of Dracula. Christopher Lee reprises his role as the Count, but this time he doesn't say a word which ratchets up the tension. Andrew Keir stars as Father Sandor, a badass vampire-killer monk with a Scottish accent. While the film has one egregiously bad moment of "holding two sticks together and calling it a crucifix," Dracula, Prince of Darkness is probably the most faithful to typical vampire rules. Garlic, crosses, sunlight, coffins with dirt in them, and running water are all present in the film. With a strong cast and good production values, Dracula, Prince of Darkness is a highly entertaining and solid thriller that should be counted among the best of the Hammer Horror films.

7/10

Heavy Metal (1981)

Chock full of impressive imagery and loaded with an epic 80s rock soundtrack, one would think Heavy Metal could do no wrong. Unfortunately, despite the ambitious animation, Heavy Metal falls flat. Told as several vignettes tied loosely together by an evil green orb, the film doesn't give itself enough time to develop characters, emotional investment, or even an overarching narrative. The framing of the vignettes didn't make any sense, and the inevitable destruction of it at the end was completely random. The creativity of the stories and settings is evident, and it was pleasant to see animation that was adult-oriented. The unfortunate byproduct of this surplus of creativity was a handful of irrelevant sequences to put the creativity on display. Another unfortunate byproduct of the film being "adult" oriented is that every woman gets naked and has sex with complete disregard for character, plot, or pacing. I know you're probably thinking "how could that be bad?" but after you've seen the first sex scene, the rest of them are the same. It just seemed like time wasted on juvenile self-indulgence.

5/10

"Kolchak: The Night Stalker" (1974-5)

"Kolchak: The Night Stalker" is a television show from the mid-1970s that was basically the prototype for The X-Files. The quality of the show's writing and directing was pretty spotty overall, but the good episodes are quite fun. Darren McGavin plays Carl Kolchak, a wise-cracking quick-thinking Chicago reporter with a penchant for attracting supernatural phenomena. Each week he discovered a new monster/myth haunting Chicago. He tackled all kinds of things from vampires and werewolves to manifestations from the subconscious and a headless ghost on a motorcycle. Sometimes the resolutions were cop-outs (that damn camera of his saves him on multiple occasions as a spur of the moment thing), and other times the special effects were just too terrible to excuse (the lizard man in the final episode). The last quarter of the show took a serious hit in quality, but by then I think the production was falling apart anyway. Overall, a very fun show that I wish was held to a higher standard of quality.

7/10

Vampire Lovers, The (1970)

From Hammer Horror comes the first installment of the Karnstein Trilogy, a trio of films revolving around lesbian vampires. Ingrid Pitt stars as the beautiful Carmilla, a vampire with a lust for young women. She exudes a kind of predatory evil over everyone she haunts in the film. The young women she seduces are both silly airheads who can't act (sometimes to a painful degree). Peter Cushing is in the film for a little while, but the film focuses on the events that happen while he's away. The plot is not all that original, but the twist of lesbianism makes it fun/interesting enough to keep watching. Sometimes the film teeters on the edge of softcore porn, but it never makes a complete step in that direction. What's most disturbing about Carmilla is that she can bring both men and women under her spell, effectively giving her the ability to control an entire household. The film establishes the family of Karnsteins as what I hope will be a very interesting spine for the other two films.

6/10

Haunted Palace, The (1963)

From B-movie production company American International comes The Haunted Palace (1963), directed by Roger Corman and starring Vincent Price. Based on the HP Lovecraft novella The Case of Charles Dexter Ward, The Haunted Palace is chock full of delicious gothic set pieces and some great necromantic sorcery. What stood out immediately was the color palette: bright blues and dingy browns but most distinctively was the hint of brilliant, sickly green that just oozes evil. Vincent Price gives a performance that is somewhere between pure evil and hammy (he seems quite comfortable with those kind of roles). Debra Paget is gorgeous as his wife. The supporting cast includes mediocre performances from Lon Chaney Jr. and Elijah Cook Jr, among others. Surprisingly, the budget doesn't show through much. Corman maintains an ominous atmosphere and peppers in a few nice shock moments. The film dragged a bit towards the end, but it's definitely worth a watch.

7/10

Robocop (1987)

A man trying to serve the people is killed and resurrected from the dead. Sound familiar? As director Paul Verhoeven puts it, "Robocop is like American Jesus. Except American Jesus has a gun." Is Robocop the Greatest Story Ever Told? Possibly. Not only is the film one of the finest action films ever made, it's also a brilliant satire of American corporations and consumerism. Weller turns in an inspired performance as an officer ruthlessly murdered by a gang of thugs (Kurtwood Smith's performance is also noteworthy) that is resurrected as a cyborg cop. Verhoeven's direction is quite energetic, with a pace that never lets up. The stunts and explosions are all top-notch as well as the makeup (Rob Bottin) and stop-motion effects (Phil Tippett) which are integrated perfectly. Basil Poledouris' score is a great combination of synth and percussion combined with gentler sounding strings representing Robocop's internal identity struggle. Robocop is a very clever and fun action film that can be viewed as either a thought-provoking satire or a silly explosion-a-minute action movie. Or both. A must see!

10/10

Demolition Man (1993)

Demolition Man is a stylish action sci-fi film starring Sylvester Stallone, but its downfall is that it can get really annoying. Serial killer Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes) and pursuing cop John Spartan (Stallone) are both entered into cryo-prison in 1996. Thirty six years later, Phoenix escapes on a parole hearing, and Spartan is thawed out to go after him. The action scenes are really well done, and the special effects are fantastic. Stallone and Snipes both turn in really entertaining performances. The problem is the utopia society they've woken up to: it's a society of wimps. The "future" dialogue is unbelievably cringe-inducing. I understand the filmmakers were aiming for satire, but good god was it annoying! To add to this ilk is Sandra Bullock playing a cop whose eagerness is equal to how annoying she is. Demolition Man is flawed, but if you can get past the annoying utopia and terrible dialogue, then it's really quite fun.

7/10

PS: Rob Schneider

Judge Dredd (1995)

Judge Dredd is a big, dumb action flick starring Sylvester Stallone that is really hated on, but it isn't really as bad as people claim. Sure, you've got Sylvester Stallone and Armand Assante overacting. Sure, you've got a terribly written script and a derivative plot. None of that really matters. The film is actually pretty fun. What really brings the film down, though, is the presence of Rob Schneider in the second half of the film. I actually thought that the first half of the film was quite enjoyable, and I felt like the second half would have been fine, too, had it not been for his constant blabbering. I don' t think a single one of Schneider's comments is actually funny. They're so poorly written and delivered that they're not even "so bad they're funny." They're just bad. Basically, I think Judge Dredd could have stood its own as a polished and fun (yet somewhat bland) action film, but Rob Schneider had to ruin it for everyone. Someone should fan-edit him out. Oh, I forgot to mention: Diane Lane is stunning in this.

6/10

Narrow Margin (1990)

Narrow Margin is a by-the-numbers action thriller about a deputy district attorney (Gene Hackman) seeking out and protecting the witness to a mob assassination of her blind date. Because it's directed by Peter Hyams, I expected it to be at least a solid--but not spectacular--film, and it was. Hackman gives a very sharp performance. The dialogue for the most part is well-written, although there is one monologue that the witness gives about half-way through the movie that had me cringing. The story is pretty simple, with a few light curve balls thrown in but nothing groundbreaking. The amount of stunt-work involving the real actors (for example, on top of a moving train with no discernible rear-projection/blue-screen) is impressive. Overall, a fun film to kill the time. It is worthy to note that this film uses the basic standing-on-a-train and making a tall joke before villain gets decapitated by a tunnel setup four years before Speed (1994) did.

6/10

Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990)

The idiot-savants at Cannon Film erred on the side of idiot with this stinker sequel to The Delta Force (1986). This time, the Delta Force takes on a drug cartel in a fictional central American country, with Chuck Norris splitting from the pack to rescue hostages being held in a druglord's estate. The plot is taken directly from the "Drugs are Bad" pile of scripts, while the dialogue is free advertising for America's War on Drugs. The acting is bad, and the characters are poorly developed. The officer leading the Delta Force is just a trigger-happy goon, who is just DYING to destroy all the drugs. Yes, Delta Force 2 is another propaganda film. Except this time its pandering and annoying as hell. Not even the action scenes are very much fun. One thing is for sure, Delta Force 2 is more like a boring lecture than a rally-the-troops Budweiser-and-America-the-Beautiful type of film.

3/10

Delta Force, The (1986)

From our favorite 80s production company, Cannon Film, comes what is possibly their finest action film--The Delta Force. Chuck Norris stars as a member of a task force assigned to rescue a planeful of hostages taken by Lebanese terrorists. For some reason, Chuck Norris is given special treatment, one of the perks being a motorcycle that magically has as many rockets as he needs that fire with sniper-like precision. Thrown into the mix is a characteristically 80s score, with layers upon layers of synthesizers and plenty of drum machine for everyone. The Delta Force is essentially an American propaganda film: Not only do you have a special task force that performs its task with barely a single hitch, you've got the hostages happily singing "America the Beautiful" while cracking open Budweisers when they are rescued. Can you get any more American than that?

7/10

Cliffhanger (1993)

A late entry in the High Eighties era of action films, Cliffhanger is a highly entertaining popcorn flick starring Sylvester Stallone as a mountain rescue climber. Still recovering from a tragic accident, Sylvester Stallone is asked to return to mountain climbing to help his ex-friend Michael Rooker (screaming his way through the picture as usual) as they get caught up in an air-to-air (very impressive stunt) heist gone wrong. The crowning achievement of the picture, though, is John Lithgow's loony performance as the villain Eric Qualen--a performance that is 10% menacing and 90% hilarious. I love Lithgow's performance in all its fake-British-accent, tongue-wagging, eyes-bugging glory. Falling off cliffs, knifings, shootings, fist fights, stalactitings, exaggerated explosions, and other fatal lapses in logic (where did they get C4... twice?) are the bread and butter of Cliffhanger, but what tasty bread and butter it is.

8/10

PS: Stallone's mouth sags even when he is hanging upside down.

Quatermass and the Pit (1967) aka Five Million Years to Earth

One of the finest films to come out of Hammer Studios, Quatermass and the Pit is a little science-fiction film that thinks big--global proportions. Andrew Keir stars as the title character in a much more compassionate and human portrayal of Quatermass (see The Quatermass Xperiment). While digging in an abandoned underground railway tunnel, a crew discovers several prehistoric skeletons and an unidentifiable object that sets up the mystery of what it is and why it's there. Quatermass and an investigative team of scientists work toward an answer while having to fight with the petty political concerns of the government. The film was done on a low-medium budget (~$4-7 million adjusted for inflation), but the filmmakers manage to hide this for the most part. The excellent writing and thought-provoking story makes up for the film's flaws.

9/10

Footloose (1984)

The 80s were a wonderful time for pop hits in film. In Footloose, you've got the gargantuan Kenny Loggins writing and performing two great hits as well as songs like "Let's Hear It For the Boy" and the dramatic (is there any other kind?) Bonnie Tyler song "Holding Out for a Hero." Kevin Bacon dances his way into conflict with a fundamentalist Christian town led by John Lithgow in a surprisingly well-rounded "villain" role. The film is cheesy, and it's hard not to be when full-length synth-laced 80s pop hits are playing every five minutes. When Kevin Bacon dances in the warehouse to his little car stereo, they don't even attempt to make the music sound like it's coming out of a car stereo. The instant he turns it on, it's already completely omnipresent and blasting full volume. This logic follows for every boombox and stereo in the film. And that's how hard they must have been pushing the Footloose soundtrack to sell. It worked.

7/10

Edit--corrected the title of the Bonnie Tyler song

Rambo III (1988)

Rambo III is a simple, unfocused, and rather idiotic action movie. Trautman is taken hostage by the Russians in Afghanistan, and Rambo decides to go in and save him. If they had stuck to that, it might have been an entertaining 80-minute action film... but no. They had to try and develop Rambo's sensitive side and incorporate a message before he goes on the killing spree we all expected. Not only that, they have several lengthy scenes where Trautman spits several politically charged diatribes. Rambo, despite his attempt earlier in the movie to move away from violence, has an arsenal of weapons that the US military would envy. It was like this movie was written by a ten year old with attention deficit disorder. Rambo kills something with a different weapon in nearly every scene, not to mention the incredibly unlikely hanging/explosion-after-lengthy-fist-fight scene. Which was hilarious. Rambo III is mildly entertaining, but ultimately not focused or intelligent enough to carry itself with dignity.

5/10

PS: The closing credits song rivals the song from the original film's closing credits for sheer awfulness.

Rocketeer, The (1991)

The Rocketeer is a fun adventure film from the early 90s that holds up pretty well. Like Dick Tracy, The Shadow, and The Phantom, The Rocketeer has both a period charm and comic book feel to it. You've got Nazis, mobsters, a zeppelin, and Howard Hughes lumped together in a kind of small-town big-conspiracy story about a boy who finds a secret rocket-pack and tries to protect his friends and the rocket from falling into the wrong hands. The actors are all top-notch, with Alan Arkin playing Billy Campbell's mentor/partner and Timothy Dalton playing a sneering, snobbish (but dreamy) movie actor. Jennifer Connelly is stunning, especially in that white dress at the South Seas club. The special effects are done quite well. Five years later, Schwarzenegger would don a jet pack like the one in this film, but the effects don't look nearly as good in Jingle All the Way as they do here. A great film for kids, but also enjoyable for the adults.

7/10

Death Warrant (1990)

Death Warrant is an average entry into Jean-Claude Van Damme's filmography. Van Damme plays a cop who, on behalf of some crooked politicians, goes to prison undercover to investigate a string of murders that have taken place. As usual, he duck-walks his way through the picture, mumbling his lines in short heavily-accented phrases, and slings roundhouse kicks like they were the prison cafeteria special. At first, I thought they managed to hide that goose egg on his forehead, but I was sadly mistaken. The main villain (of several) is The Sandman, a menacing, ugly, and virtually invincible serial killer--but he talks too much. The murder method of choice was to "spike" the prisoners through the head, but when Van Damme says it, it sounds like "spank"... which I think is highly appropriate for a Van Damme prison film.

6/10

PS: For you avid Jean-Claude Van Damme fans, JCVD does get naked, but there are no gratuitous ass shots or split kicks. Sorry.

PPS: The girl-partner tells Van Damme at one point, "You're getting wet." He was standing in the rain at the time. It sounded like it was loaded with innuendo. I don't know what she meant.

PPPS: This just in: Death Warrant is actually a Cannon Film! I love Cannon Film!

Event Horizon (1997)

With Event Horizon, Paul WS Anderson proved he was able to direct a great film. Starring Sam Neill and Laurence Fishburne, Event Horizon is a violent, gory, and absolutely frightening film about a crew sent to investigate the reappearance of the ship that went missing mysteriously seven years before. The film reminded me of many sci-fi flicks that have gone before it, but somehow it managed to combine these elements quite well for a very rewarding experience. While marred by a few poor CG moments, the special effects are ultimately pretty good, with many of the elements looking like they were models (I'm not sure if they were, but I sure hope so). I was very impressed. Despite his poor reputation, my respect for Paul WS Anderson just keeps on growing.

8/10

Masters of the Universe (1987)

From my favorite low-budget production company, Cannon Film, comes the live-action motion picture event of the century! Rejoice, for He-Man, starring Swedish ubermensch Dolph Lundgren, has come to the big screen! Unfortunately, Dolph doesn't get enough screen time to develop as He-Man (and he needed more screen time just to prove that he can emote), but this is alleviated by the awesome screen presence of Frank Langella as Skeletor, the amazing visual effects by Richard Edlund, and a rousing (but highly derivative) score by Rocky-composer Bill Conti. The story is idiotic to the max and some of the makeup and sound effects are really embarrassing, but it's got enough lightning bolts, laser blasts, sword battles, and explosions to keep even the shortest attention span watching. The Masters of the Universe do a lot of killing in this movie, but the thing they kill best is time!

7/10

Ogon Bato aka The Golden Bat (1966)

Absurd Japanese sci-fi adventure film about a secret service trying to stop the evil Nazo from crashing the planet Icarus into Earth. From the outset the film is ridiculous with laser blasters, a ship that resembles a tunnel boring machine (with eyes that shoot lasers), and Nazo himself, who looks like a guy in a giant pig costume with four eyes (he shoots lasers, too). On top of that, there's The Golden Bat, a bizarre superhero who was awakened from his Egyptian coffin on a piece of Atlantis that had surfaced in the ocean. He appears when he is called on to fight enemies with his "Baton of Justice." His mask looks almost exactly like Vincent Price's in The Abominable Dr Phibes (1971). Starring Sonny Chiba (but not as The Golden Bat). Ogon Bato is a bit too silly for its own good, but still fun.

6/10

Superargo contro Diabolikus (1966)

Cheesy but highly entertaining pulp spy film from Italy. Superargo is an ex-wrestler turned spy with amazing super human powers. He has to face off against Diabolikus before Diabolikus can enact a half-baked Goldfinger-esque scheme to flood the market with gold (that Diabolikus has created from mercury) causing economic chaos. While the film contains a lot of logical gaps and lapses in continuity, the sheer cheese-ball factor of everything is charming enough to keep the entertainment levels high. Superargo has to face everything from bullets, gas, freezing cold, being cooked alive, and more! The score by Franco Pisano blares confidently throughout, mixing the bombastic Bond brass with an Italian lounge sound. Hats off to Darrell Brogdon for a fun Cinema A Go Go.

7/10

Capricorn One (1978)

An intriguing conspiracy thriller about a faked Mars landing directed and co-written by Peter Hyams. The film has some really great dialogue and is highly engaging, with some decently developed characters. The mood of the film ranges from suspenseful to emotional (but mostly suspenseful). A drawn-out (but well-executed) plane/helicopter chase sequence, some really bad overly emotional slow-motion, and a lack of closure really mar the ending, but fortunately the worst of it comes only in the last minute and it's not nearly enough to ruin the film. The score by Jerry Goldsmith is really fantastic. Starring: Elliot Gould, James Brolin, OJ Simpson and quite a few more famous actors.

7/10

My Science Project (1985)

High school teens get into trouble when they find an extra-terrestrial engine with time-space warping properties. From a T-Rex (presumably a puppet, no CGI or stop-motion) walking in-frame across the screen (possibly the best pre-Jurassic Park T-Rex?) to tons and tons of 80s lightning, this film is a special effects feast for the eyes. While the film takes its time trying to develop the characters (even though they are all pretty much one-dimensional), the final third of the film is the meat, containing the majority of the (great!) special effects. I swear, the film is worth it on the effects alone. Fisher Stevens plays a hit-or-miss Brooklynese-talking sidekick with a few good zingers and a lot of bad ones. Dennis Hopper plays their half-baked science teacher. As a nice treat, the closing credits song is deliciously 80s.

7/10