Escape Plan (2013)

After several mediocre to mind-numbingly terrible attempts at reviving the 80s action genre, we're given the next best thing: Escape Plan. How many of those 80s action movies were really transcendent? Very few. That's the stuff all the critics compare this to. Die Hard. Total Recall. The more typical fare was the stuff from New World or Cannon Film--simple programmers that banked on the charisma of its talent. Well, here it is: Escape Plan. Sylvester Stallone stars as a prison security expert who gets put into the system then breaks out to reveal their flaws. Then, he takes a job in a prison run by a shifty, corrupt shadow government organization. Somebody doesn't want him out and so he faces the biggest challenge of his career. Is this the end? No, of course not. Helping him from within is Arnold, and thank God he's there because he greases the wheels that keep this movie chugging along. The dialogue is terrible and the plot is contrived, but I don't expect character development, clever writing, or even any depth to the logic when it comes to these kind of films. All I want is some good old-fashioned action that maintains a shallow level of verisimilitude. Escape Plan delivers. It's not a great film, but it's a slick and serviceable action thriller in the style of the Cannon or New World pictures of the 80s. It's exactly how the film was advertised, exactly what it promised when it started, and exactly how it played out. If you're looking for a return to 80s action, Escape Plan is a much better place to start than The Last Stand or the Expendables films.

7/10

Expendables 2, The (2012)

The Expendables 2 is a dismal affair starring a bunch of my favorite actors who are showing their age. Sylvester Stallone leads the Expendables team again in the action film equivalent of an early silent slapstick comedy: a clothesline on which to hang the gags. Unfortunately for us, the gags consist of insensible macho lines, bad action, and too many washed-up action stars. So washed-up that it diluted any potential impact. Their flat characters are even flatter this time despite obvious childish attempts at character development. Even more criminal, though, is that the elements that made the first one a success--80s action violence--was so poorly executed that it seemed like they originally been filmed it with PG-13 in mind, then threw violent cutaways in as an afterthought. With strong direction and writing, Jean-Claude Van Damme can appear halfway normal--without it though, he's a sauntering, round-house-kicking buffoon. It's a shame because I was looking forward to seeing him as a villain. Arnold and Bruce's cameo at the end is not nearly enough to save an already sunken ship. And don't get me started on Chuck Norris. All around a lack-luster, boring, and miserable experience.

2/10

Demolition Man (1993)

Demolition Man is a stylish action sci-fi film starring Sylvester Stallone, but its downfall is that it can get really annoying. Serial killer Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes) and pursuing cop John Spartan (Stallone) are both entered into cryo-prison in 1996. Thirty six years later, Phoenix escapes on a parole hearing, and Spartan is thawed out to go after him. The action scenes are really well done, and the special effects are fantastic. Stallone and Snipes both turn in really entertaining performances. The problem is the utopia society they've woken up to: it's a society of wimps. The "future" dialogue is unbelievably cringe-inducing. I understand the filmmakers were aiming for satire, but good god was it annoying! To add to this ilk is Sandra Bullock playing a cop whose eagerness is equal to how annoying she is. Demolition Man is flawed, but if you can get past the annoying utopia and terrible dialogue, then it's really quite fun.

7/10

PS: Rob Schneider

Judge Dredd (1995)

Judge Dredd is a big, dumb action flick starring Sylvester Stallone that is really hated on, but it isn't really as bad as people claim. Sure, you've got Sylvester Stallone and Armand Assante overacting. Sure, you've got a terribly written script and a derivative plot. None of that really matters. The film is actually pretty fun. What really brings the film down, though, is the presence of Rob Schneider in the second half of the film. I actually thought that the first half of the film was quite enjoyable, and I felt like the second half would have been fine, too, had it not been for his constant blabbering. I don' t think a single one of Schneider's comments is actually funny. They're so poorly written and delivered that they're not even "so bad they're funny." They're just bad. Basically, I think Judge Dredd could have stood its own as a polished and fun (yet somewhat bland) action film, but Rob Schneider had to ruin it for everyone. Someone should fan-edit him out. Oh, I forgot to mention: Diane Lane is stunning in this.

6/10

Cliffhanger (1993)

A late entry in the High Eighties era of action films, Cliffhanger is a highly entertaining popcorn flick starring Sylvester Stallone as a mountain rescue climber. Still recovering from a tragic accident, Sylvester Stallone is asked to return to mountain climbing to help his ex-friend Michael Rooker (screaming his way through the picture as usual) as they get caught up in an air-to-air (very impressive stunt) heist gone wrong. The crowning achievement of the picture, though, is John Lithgow's loony performance as the villain Eric Qualen--a performance that is 10% menacing and 90% hilarious. I love Lithgow's performance in all its fake-British-accent, tongue-wagging, eyes-bugging glory. Falling off cliffs, knifings, shootings, fist fights, stalactitings, exaggerated explosions, and other fatal lapses in logic (where did they get C4... twice?) are the bread and butter of Cliffhanger, but what tasty bread and butter it is.

8/10

PS: Stallone's mouth sags even when he is hanging upside down.

Rambo III (1988)

Rambo III is a simple, unfocused, and rather idiotic action movie. Trautman is taken hostage by the Russians in Afghanistan, and Rambo decides to go in and save him. If they had stuck to that, it might have been an entertaining 80-minute action film... but no. They had to try and develop Rambo's sensitive side and incorporate a message before he goes on the killing spree we all expected. Not only that, they have several lengthy scenes where Trautman spits several politically charged diatribes. Rambo, despite his attempt earlier in the movie to move away from violence, has an arsenal of weapons that the US military would envy. It was like this movie was written by a ten year old with attention deficit disorder. Rambo kills something with a different weapon in nearly every scene, not to mention the incredibly unlikely hanging/explosion-after-lengthy-fist-fight scene. Which was hilarious. Rambo III is mildly entertaining, but ultimately not focused or intelligent enough to carry itself with dignity.

5/10

PS: The closing credits song rivals the song from the original film's closing credits for sheer awfulness.

Nighthawks (1981)

Sylvester Stallone stars as a NY cop who has to take down European terrorist Wulfgar played by Rutger Hauer. Billy Dee Williams plays Sly's partner, but unfortunately his role is squeezed into the margins. The real meat is the play between Sly and Rutger. Excellent score by Keith Emerson. This is more of a psychological crime thriller than an action film, but nevertheless it is a good one.

I'm a Man by Keith Emerson

7/10

***The High Eighties (1986-1993)

The years of 1986-1993 are what I like to call the High Eighties. During these years there was an unusually high number of classic action films released. Previously, other than a select few films like the Star Wars films and Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), you don't really see the level of polish in action films that you see during the High Eighties. I personally consider Aliens (1986) the film that officially jump-started the era. Schwarzenegger is in his prime, hitting three home runs within these eight years with Predator (1987), Total Recall (1990), and Terminator 2 (1991). Stallone had a milestone classic at the butt-end of the era with Cliffhanger (1993), as well as a couple minor hits with Over the Top (1987) (one of the few decent Cannon Films movies ever made if there is such a thing) and Tango & Cash (1989). You see the rise of Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Dolph Lundgren. I would argue that almost all of Seagal's "good" films are contained within the High Eighties starting with Above the Law (1988) and ending with Under Siege (1992). JCVD sees his career started in 1988 with Bloodsport, then he acts in a string of mediocre films until he stars with Dolph Lundgren in Roland Emmerich's awesome low-budget effort Universal Soldier (1992). Dolph Lundgren also stars in a little-known cult gem entitled Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991) which takes the energy of Commando (1985, same director, Mark L Lester) and combines it with the polish and style characteristic of the High Eighties. The High Eighties gave birth to the Paul Verhoeven/science fiction combination with Robocop (1987) and Total Recall (1990) (and later on Starship Troopers (1997)). Most importantly, the High Eighties showed that action movies could be elevated to an artform as is the case with Die Hard (1988), a masterpiece of action cinema, and arguably the greatest action film ever made.

I posit that the High Eighties was effectively ended by the beginning of 90s cinema (another great era in and of itself): Jurassic Park (1993).