Super Mario Bros. (1993)

What do you get when you combine a cartoony Japanese video game with 80s action? You get Super Mario Bros! Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo star as Mario and Luigi, respectively. They're grimy plumbers from Brooklyn who encounter a girl, Daisy. She is kidnapped into an alternate dimension run by King Koopa (Dennis Hopper), and so, in typical fashion, Mario & Luigi must save the princess to save the day. Super Mario Bros is an odd clash. On a very shallow level, it's based on Mario--it has Koopas, Goombas, mushrooms, bob-ombs, etc, although most are in name only. Otherwise, it's Cannon Film meets dark fantasy world. It's like someone described the Mario games in Japanese, translated it to English, and sent it to a writer who adapted it into the most popular Hollywood genre at the time. If you're going to compare its fidelity to the video games, you're in for a bad time. On the other hand, if you're looking for a wildly different take on the Mario universe, Super Mario Bros delivers. It's a dark, creepy, twisted mess that brings action movie "realism" (and industrial grating) to a complete fantasy land, but with that "realism" comes the logical inconsistencies, plot holes, poor characterizations and dialogue. This movie is Nintendo platformer meets Sega Genesis shoot 'em up, and as sacrilegious as that sounds, I liked it.

6/10--Maybe a little generous, but it deserves to be offset a little bit from the hate parade.

Oblivion (2013)

A generous step up from SyFy Channel fare, but a step down from genuinely good science fiction action, Oblivion is an ambitious misfire. Tom Cruise stars as one of a two member crew assigned to maintain drones on Earth. They answer to a commander dispatching from a enormous structure in the sky called the Tet. It's an idiotic premise right off the bat. Fortunately, this problem is slightly remedied as the film progresses and the conspiracies / twists are revealed. Slightly. The main characters are, on the whole, bland with Tom Cruise playing his screen self and the supporting characters not really adding very much. Not even Morgan Freeman, whose role in the film was short and somewhat disappointing. Everyone appeared to be trying, but no one really stuck out. The aesthetic of this future is ripped out of other sci-fi films (the future is always sleek and white), and the special effects are heavily reliant on CGI (yawn). The soundtrack was a definite cut above the usual contemporary action film soundtrack as it showed some signs of good production and was reminiscent of Tangerine Dream at times. Probably not something I'd listen to on its own, but it was nice to see some thought put into the music for a change.

6/10

Back to School (1986)

Back to School is a film made up of many amusing parts that don't quite fit together. Perhaps it was the weak, nagging performance of the son (Keith Gordon), or the hodge-podge of underdeveloped college caricatures that populate the picture: student anarchist (Robert Downey, Jr), wispy fun-loving lit professor (Sally Kellerman), fratters, jocks, etc. The only strong caricature was Paxton Whitehead's rigid business professor, the main antagonist. Despite all this, the film does make a few pretty amusing stabs at the university scene, the pretentious academia and intellectualism, and education vs practice. Lost in the mix are lessons about fatherly love, independence, and self-worth. The only thing that elevates the picture is Rodney Dangerfield, playing his usual character--faux-classy, crass, wise-cracking and bugging his eyes out every chance he can get. He's hilarious and nearly the only good reason to watch the film. The other good reason is a cameo by Kurt Vonnegut. I wasn't a huge fan of Danny Elfman's score, but I enjoyed his appearance with band Oingo Boingo during one of the party scenes. The film isn't bad, but the parts that aren't Rodney Dangerfield are serviceable at best and are barely held together by its flimsy plot.

6/10

From Beyond (1986)

Hot off of Re-Animator (1985), Stuart Gordon and crew sought to make another Lovecraft hit with From Beyond. While the film has an interesting premise--a scientific device called the Pretorious Resonator allows interaction with a parallel dimension via stimulation of the pineal gland, causing the death of its creator and the suffering of other witnesses--the script had too many flimsy moments. At the center of the film is Jeffrey Combs, wonderfully playing his neurotic scientist character. The supporting cast is hit and miss: Ken Foree and Ted Sorel both give solid performances as Bubba the cop and Dr Pretorious, respectively. On the other hand, Barbara Crampton's psychiatrist character was irritating and inconsistent. She's unrealistically rash and irresponsible, even with the film's attempts to explain. The subplot involving her rivalry with the head psychiatrist at the Miskatonic Hospital was painfully unprofessional and a chore to witness. Additionally, I felt many of the elements of the film, especially those involving sex and bondage, were juvenile. What I did enjoy was the color aesthetic--saturated neon pinks and purples--harkening back to the Corman days of yore and the Thing-inspired special effects, with a generous supply of gibbering, shape-shifting masses and 80s lightning.

6/10

Living Daylights, The (1987)

The Living Daylights takes the Bond series far away from the la-la land of shoddy rear projection and abundant stunt doubles and grounds it back into realism. Timothy Dalton's Bond is grim but not bad and not without a few moments of dry wit. The plot is standard grade spy stuff: defections, back stabbings, decoys, and other sneaky tricks. They throw in a subplot involving Afghan rebels, but it's not noteworthy. Actually, the story was pretty boring. I'm a big fan of both Jeroen Krabbe and John Rhys-Davies, but neither actor managed to develop their characters enough to stand out. They seem kind of half-hearted about the whole thing. The Bond girl, Maryam d'Abo, also seemed bored. She just didn't seem into it. Fortunately, the filmmakers decided against the tasteless wordplay and cheesy visual puns that plagued the Moore films and instead favored a more From Russia with Love-flavored tone that was lighter on gadgets and jokes. The stunt-work was impressive and there's a noticeable improvement in the limited rear projection work. The Living Daylights isn't a great film, but it's a huge improvement over its immediate predecessors. I don't understand all the hate towards Dalton's Bond. I thought he was pretty good despite the lackluster film surrounding him.

6/10

Hospital, The (1971)

Paddy Chayefsky's scathing satire on the medical industry has all of the bite of a good satire but lacks the focus. George C. Scott plays a troubled doctor who faces personal problems amidst a slew of mysterious malpractice deaths of his own staff-members. Chayefsky's dialogue is snappy as usual, occasionally drifting too far into medical gobbledygook for its own good. Diana Rigg is a wonderful actress (and very beautiful), but the development between her character and George C. Scott's character is rushed and unrealistic. The reasoning behind the deaths felt unsatisfactory as well, although after the initial shock I admit I was intrigued, no matter how screwy. The point the film was making about the health care industry was illustrated well in many moments of the film, but I felt like the film was too distracted for it to work. The Hospital has some good things it's trying to say but just doesn't manage to get out quite right. Five years later, Chayefsky fixed the problems that marred The Hospital and wrote one of the most prophetic, pointed, and witty satires of our time: Network.

6/10

PS: For several of the tracking master shots, the framing on the DVD chops the heads off the characters. The film was still watchable, but those shots did appear to be framed for a fullscreen shot (possibly an open matte?) then cropped incorrectly to 1.85:1.

Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die aka Se Tutte le Donne del Mondo (1966)

Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die is a lighthearted spy spoof comedy in the vein of Dino De Laurentiis' other comic book outings in the 1960s (ie Danger: Diabolik, Barbarella). Matt Connors stars as American secret agent Kelly, working to uncover a hairbrained scheme to sterilize the United States by a grinning horndog maniac Conrad Veidt impersonator (Raf Vallone). The plot is rather similar to Moonraker, which didn't come out for another decade and a half. Connors is a bit boring, but he's okay. Terry-Thomas provides the comic relief--as if the film really needed any. As far as comic relief goes though, Terry-Thomas is as good as you can get, and I love him for it. The film plays out with tongue firmly placed in cheek, including some pretty childish gags--slipping on a banana peel, for example--but it kept my attention. The real star of the picture was the music by Mario Nascimbene which is equal parts bossa nova and '60s Italo-soundtrack. Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die is a comic book movie the way comic book movies should be made--fun first, questions later.

6/10

House of Usher (1960)

American International Pictures presents the first Edgar Allan Poe-Roger Corman horror film. For being a low budget affair, the film is very atmospheric and stylish. Some young pup (fiance of the Usher sister) comes to the Usher household to visit but runs into trouble when the mysterious Usher Roderick gives him a hard time. While Vincent Price gives a hammy but delicious performance as Rod, the supporting cast is nothing to write home about. The young Mark Damon's acting gets pretty sloppy especially towards the end ("TELL ME!"). The film's pacing is slow and drags a bit despite having a very slim 79 minute runtime. The costumes, set design, atmosphere, and garish but limited effects work were all pretty impressive for what little budget Corman was working with, but ultimately I felt the characters and writing fell flat (my apologies to Richard Matheson). The meatiest part of the film is the fiery climax, but the final scene plus the slick production design just doesn't quite succeed in holding the film up. I'd recommend this one for Vincent Price or Roger Corman enthusiasts and that's about it.

6/10

Danger: Diabolik (1968)

Charmingly cheesy, Danger: Diabolik is an Italian comic book movie produced and directed by schlock masters Dino de Laurentiis and Mario Bava, respectively. Diabolik (John Phillip Law) thwarts the police force every step of the way as he heists all sorts of goodies--$10 million, an emerald necklace, and a 20-ton ingot of gold!--for his gorgeous girlfriend and sidekick Eva (Marisa Mell). The production is quite lavish, employing a plethora of neat camera tricks, grandiose set designs, and elaborate matte paintings. The score by Ennio Morricone rips through the film, with acid-drenched guitars and the loungey yet somewhat Bondian theme song "Deep Deep Down." The combined efforts of Bava, de Laurentiis, (and Morricone) result in a very stylish, garishly colorful, and fun outing. But as is the trend with Bava, style takes precedent over substance. Despite all of the great music and visuals, the acting falls pretty flat, not aided whatsoever by a sometimes dubious dub and a pretty weak script.

6/10

Dark Knight Rises, The (2012)

Christopher Nolan's final film in the new Batman trilogy is entertaining but messy. The cast is absolutely fantastic, and the film has many exciting and well-executed scenes. Unfortunately the script is full of plot holes, the writing is pandering, and the film feels like a hollow imitation of its predecessor. Despite the 165 minute run time, the pacing is rushed, leaving no time for anything to sink in. Nolan throws in a few of his favorite pseudo-philosophy / morally ambiguous "thinking" moments, but they feel forced and fake. Tom Hardy's Bane is interesting, but the terrible mixing choice for his voice consistently pulled me out of the picture. So did Hans Zimmer's obnoxiously loud score. Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Michael Caine, and Morgan Freeman all turned in good performances and were a pleasure to watch. Hell, even Anne Hathaway was decent. Cotillard was irritating as all hell, though. The film had a lot going for it, but it was just sloppy.

6/10

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

I'm going to skip Moonraker for now. I'll get to it later.

Roger Moore returns for his fifth outing as James Bond. The plot is boring, the henchmen are boring, and the Bond girls are boring. Fortunately, the stunts and action scenes are really great. Bond certainly skied a lot during Roger Moore's run, but this time we've got spiked-tire motorcycles in hot pursuit. Bond scales a mountain to get to the fortress at the top. Bond swims in yet another set of underwater scenes. Roger Moore is bearable here, maybe looking a little wrinkly, but he is supported by some good actors: Topol and Julian Glover. The Bond girl Melina is striking, but there's not really any chemistry there. The blonde ice skater protege is probably the single worst Bond girl in a film, but I don't think she really counts. Although the music by Bill Conti was grating at first--Rocky does Bond--it grew on me. It's not a great Bondian soundtrack, especially not with that horrible Sheena Easton theme song, but it's pretty fun. Altogether, a pretty enjoyable flick.

6/10

Omega Man, The (1971)

The Omega Man is my personal favorite version of I Am Legend, but it takes enormous liberties with the source material. Charlton Heston grouses his way through the film--as usual--playing Robert Neville, a scientist trying to develop a vaccine for a plague that resulted from biological warfare. He remains the last known illness-free survivor. In The Last Man on Earth (1964) and I Am Legend (2007), the plague turns people into vampire-zombies, but in The Omega Man they become light-sensitive albino Luddites called "The Family," ritually attacking and opposing any technology that reminds them of their former selves. The film is silly and campy, the worst of which is Heston talking to himself in the first half of the film. The film also really bounces for 1971, with some really dynamic action sequences and a pretty quick pace. The 70s TV music-style soundtrack also helps this quite a bit. Not a great film, but certainly a fun one.

6/10

Barbarella (1968)

Barbarella psychedella! Barbarella is not a great film by any measure of the imagination, but it's a fun and groovy masterclass of camp. From the opening sequence (Jane Fonda undressing in her shag-carpeted space ship with bouncing animated titles) to the climactic battle, the film is packed full of colorful psychedelic effects, a swingin' lounge-psychedelic soundtrack (if such a thing can exist) by Bob Crewe and Charles Fox, and plenty of opportunities for the very sexy Jane Fonda to be in various states of undress. The plot is pretty thin: Barbarella is dispatched to find Durand Durand... and that's about it. The film is juvenile and doesn't really make sense, but that's kind of the point. It contains enough absurd moments, goofy characters, costume changes, cheesy lines, self-indulgent oil-wheel projector cascades, and tongue-in-cheek humor to keep pretty much anyone's attention for ninety minutes.

6/10

Closing Credits Theme

Diamonds are Forever (1971)

Sean Connery's sixth outing as Bond is a shift from his first five. Instead of colorful, exotic locales, Bond's mission leads him to a rather cheap-looking Las Vegas where he uncovers a plot for global domination. Diamonds are Forever is packed with terrible dialogue, goofy scenes (the moon buggy chase scene through the desert), annoying henchmen (Mr Wint and Mr Kidd), and, well, general campiness. Tiffany Case (Jill St John) has always rubbed me the wrong way, but lucky for us, Diamonds are Forever also gave us Plenty O'Toole (Lana Wood). Despite Lana's inability to act, she's still one of the best looking girls in a Bond film. Charles Gray's Blofeld is a goofy mess, which I guess is something you could say of the film as a whole. Except for the music. John Barry's score (including Bassey's "Diamonds are Forever") is top-notch, containing brilliant orchestral arrangements, bombastic brass, and that lick of electric guitar characteristic of Bond in the 60s. Definitely a fun film, just not a great one.

6/10

Frankenstein Unbound (1990)

Roger Corman's final film, Frankenstein Unbound, is an interesting yet flawed film. In the future, Dr Buchanan is testing a new laser weapon that creates a "time slip" as a byproduct, causing him to warp back to the 19th century where he meets Dr Frankenstein and monster. The progression and pacing of the plot is a bit slow and stumbles at the end. The cast is phenomenal, with John Hurt and Raul Julia playing the leads, and the aesthetic is lush and colorful like Corman's Haunted Palace. The film dips heavily into it's B-movie roots with moments of gore and violence that are inappropriately over the top. The budget shows when it comes to non-gore special effects, relying heavily upon cheap-looking light projectors and laser effects that are cool at first, then get old. A valiant effort by Corman and a fascinating take on the Frankenstein story, but despite it's ambition and cast, Frankenstein Unbound ultimately fails to be anything more than a polished B-movie.

6/10

Vampire Lovers, The (1970)

From Hammer Horror comes the first installment of the Karnstein Trilogy, a trio of films revolving around lesbian vampires. Ingrid Pitt stars as the beautiful Carmilla, a vampire with a lust for young women. She exudes a kind of predatory evil over everyone she haunts in the film. The young women she seduces are both silly airheads who can't act (sometimes to a painful degree). Peter Cushing is in the film for a little while, but the film focuses on the events that happen while he's away. The plot is not all that original, but the twist of lesbianism makes it fun/interesting enough to keep watching. Sometimes the film teeters on the edge of softcore porn, but it never makes a complete step in that direction. What's most disturbing about Carmilla is that she can bring both men and women under her spell, effectively giving her the ability to control an entire household. The film establishes the family of Karnsteins as what I hope will be a very interesting spine for the other two films.

6/10

Judge Dredd (1995)

Judge Dredd is a big, dumb action flick starring Sylvester Stallone that is really hated on, but it isn't really as bad as people claim. Sure, you've got Sylvester Stallone and Armand Assante overacting. Sure, you've got a terribly written script and a derivative plot. None of that really matters. The film is actually pretty fun. What really brings the film down, though, is the presence of Rob Schneider in the second half of the film. I actually thought that the first half of the film was quite enjoyable, and I felt like the second half would have been fine, too, had it not been for his constant blabbering. I don' t think a single one of Schneider's comments is actually funny. They're so poorly written and delivered that they're not even "so bad they're funny." They're just bad. Basically, I think Judge Dredd could have stood its own as a polished and fun (yet somewhat bland) action film, but Rob Schneider had to ruin it for everyone. Someone should fan-edit him out. Oh, I forgot to mention: Diane Lane is stunning in this.

6/10

Narrow Margin (1990)

Narrow Margin is a by-the-numbers action thriller about a deputy district attorney (Gene Hackman) seeking out and protecting the witness to a mob assassination of her blind date. Because it's directed by Peter Hyams, I expected it to be at least a solid--but not spectacular--film, and it was. Hackman gives a very sharp performance. The dialogue for the most part is well-written, although there is one monologue that the witness gives about half-way through the movie that had me cringing. The story is pretty simple, with a few light curve balls thrown in but nothing groundbreaking. The amount of stunt-work involving the real actors (for example, on top of a moving train with no discernible rear-projection/blue-screen) is impressive. Overall, a fun film to kill the time. It is worthy to note that this film uses the basic standing-on-a-train and making a tall joke before villain gets decapitated by a tunnel setup four years before Speed (1994) did.

6/10

Death Warrant (1990)

Death Warrant is an average entry into Jean-Claude Van Damme's filmography. Van Damme plays a cop who, on behalf of some crooked politicians, goes to prison undercover to investigate a string of murders that have taken place. As usual, he duck-walks his way through the picture, mumbling his lines in short heavily-accented phrases, and slings roundhouse kicks like they were the prison cafeteria special. At first, I thought they managed to hide that goose egg on his forehead, but I was sadly mistaken. The main villain (of several) is The Sandman, a menacing, ugly, and virtually invincible serial killer--but he talks too much. The murder method of choice was to "spike" the prisoners through the head, but when Van Damme says it, it sounds like "spank"... which I think is highly appropriate for a Van Damme prison film.

6/10

PS: For you avid Jean-Claude Van Damme fans, JCVD does get naked, but there are no gratuitous ass shots or split kicks. Sorry.

PPS: The girl-partner tells Van Damme at one point, "You're getting wet." He was standing in the rain at the time. It sounded like it was loaded with innuendo. I don't know what she meant.

PPPS: This just in: Death Warrant is actually a Cannon Film! I love Cannon Film!

Ogon Bato aka The Golden Bat (1966)

Absurd Japanese sci-fi adventure film about a secret service trying to stop the evil Nazo from crashing the planet Icarus into Earth. From the outset the film is ridiculous with laser blasters, a ship that resembles a tunnel boring machine (with eyes that shoot lasers), and Nazo himself, who looks like a guy in a giant pig costume with four eyes (he shoots lasers, too). On top of that, there's The Golden Bat, a bizarre superhero who was awakened from his Egyptian coffin on a piece of Atlantis that had surfaced in the ocean. He appears when he is called on to fight enemies with his "Baton of Justice." His mask looks almost exactly like Vincent Price's in The Abominable Dr Phibes (1971). Starring Sonny Chiba (but not as The Golden Bat). Ogon Bato is a bit too silly for its own good, but still fun.

6/10