Kindergarten Cop (1990)

Kindergarten Cop is something truly special - a perfect combination of gooey sentimentality and High Eighties polish. Arnold plays a hard-edged narc cop trying to bring the greasy drug lord Cullen Crisp (Richard Tyson, with hair to match his character's name) to justice. Arnold discovers that Crisp's ex-wife and son reside in a small Oregon town, so he and a former teacher-turned-detective O'Hara go undercover to find the wife to get her to testify. Arnold is forced to take O'Hara's substitute teaching place when she comes down with the flu, and hilarity ensues when brawny manly man is overwhelmed by cute little childrens. On paper, this film sounds like an absurd, forced attempt to combine an 80s action flick with a fish-out-of-water comedy - but somehow the collision of square muscle-ness and circle kindergarten-ness is handled with enough charm (and about as much grace as an Arnold vehicle can be handled) to make it really work. So much so that Arnold's pride and protectiveness of his kindergarteners as he learns to tame the classroom becomes a far more interesting and touching story than the action elements that return in the third act. The film certainly has its weaknesses, a villain duo that's not all that interesting, a third act that's not quite as exciting as its first two, some humor that seems misplaced now (and may have seemed misplaced even back in 1990), but somehow the unlikely duo of Arnold and kids is a strong enough glue-stick to keep the film mostly in one piece. Kindergarten Cop always sucks me in whenever it's on television and then proceeds to take a straight shot at my heart.

8/10

Batman & Robin (1997)

Batman & Robin is the final nail in the coffin for the 1990s Batman franchise. Is Batman & Robin watchable? Barely. Is it good? Certainly not. The film is an embarrassing mess, with overacting and obvious attempts at camp plastered all over the screen to the point of making you cringe yourself inside out. Instead of a Batman film, it's more like a menagerie of Batman characters (Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Mr Freeze, Poison Ivy, Bane) strung together into a two hour commercial. Speaking of which, two hours was way too long to sit through this train wreck. At 80 minutes, I thought the film was about over until I realized with horror that 45 minutes remained. The script is absolute shit, with pun after miserable pun fouling the air. This is particularly bad with the villains--Schwarzenegger's Mr Freeze and Uma Thurman's Poison Ivy must crack a joke every other line. Thurman puts on a Hepburn-esque accent in an attempt to be sexier, I guess, Clooney phones it in, and Chris O'Donnell was always annoying. Alicia Silverstone contributes nothing but awkward padding. Really, the only bearable performance was Michael Gough's Alfred, but on the whole the film was difficult to watch. Posh production values and great special effects failed to soothe the pain. Do I regret watching it? Not really, but I'm not proud either.

3/10

Escape Plan (2013)

After several mediocre to mind-numbingly terrible attempts at reviving the 80s action genre, we're given the next best thing: Escape Plan. How many of those 80s action movies were really transcendent? Very few. That's the stuff all the critics compare this to. Die Hard. Total Recall. The more typical fare was the stuff from New World or Cannon Film--simple programmers that banked on the charisma of its talent. Well, here it is: Escape Plan. Sylvester Stallone stars as a prison security expert who gets put into the system then breaks out to reveal their flaws. Then, he takes a job in a prison run by a shifty, corrupt shadow government organization. Somebody doesn't want him out and so he faces the biggest challenge of his career. Is this the end? No, of course not. Helping him from within is Arnold, and thank God he's there because he greases the wheels that keep this movie chugging along. The dialogue is terrible and the plot is contrived, but I don't expect character development, clever writing, or even any depth to the logic when it comes to these kind of films. All I want is some good old-fashioned action that maintains a shallow level of verisimilitude. Escape Plan delivers. It's not a great film, but it's a slick and serviceable action thriller in the style of the Cannon or New World pictures of the 80s. It's exactly how the film was advertised, exactly what it promised when it started, and exactly how it played out. If you're looking for a return to 80s action, Escape Plan is a much better place to start than The Last Stand or the Expendables films.

7/10

Expendables 2, The (2012)

The Expendables 2 is a dismal affair starring a bunch of my favorite actors who are showing their age. Sylvester Stallone leads the Expendables team again in the action film equivalent of an early silent slapstick comedy: a clothesline on which to hang the gags. Unfortunately for us, the gags consist of insensible macho lines, bad action, and too many washed-up action stars. So washed-up that it diluted any potential impact. Their flat characters are even flatter this time despite obvious childish attempts at character development. Even more criminal, though, is that the elements that made the first one a success--80s action violence--was so poorly executed that it seemed like they originally been filmed it with PG-13 in mind, then threw violent cutaways in as an afterthought. With strong direction and writing, Jean-Claude Van Damme can appear halfway normal--without it though, he's a sauntering, round-house-kicking buffoon. It's a shame because I was looking forward to seeing him as a villain. Arnold and Bruce's cameo at the end is not nearly enough to save an already sunken ship. And don't get me started on Chuck Norris. All around a lack-luster, boring, and miserable experience.

2/10

Total Recall (1990)

Where do I even begin with this one? Total Recall is an action masterpiece. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Douglas Quaid, a blue collar worker with a desire to go to Mars. Because his wife won't let him, he gets a memory implant of a Mars vacation--with himself as a secret agent. Something goes wrong, and we spend the rest of the time chasing a secret agent Arnold around not knowing whether he really was a secret agent or just living out his memory implant. Total Recall is a perfect storm of 80s talent: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Paul Verhoeven both in their prime, Sharon Stone in her hottest role (that pants suit!), Michael Ironside playing a deliciously mean henchman, Ronny Cox hot off of playing Dick Jones in Robocop, Rob Bottin doing makeup effects, a screenplay penned by Alien writers Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusett, and a percussive synthesizer-and-brass laden score composed by Jerry Goldsmith. The cinematography by Jost Vacano is dynamic and fluid, gracefully gliding through the scenes and accenting the action. On top of all this, Total Recall is a special effects powerhouse, a textbook film for 80s special effects, employing nearly every trick in the book: miniatures, matte paintings, prosthetics, makeup, puppetry, a generous handful of deliciously bloody bullet squibs, 80s lightning, and even a brief moment of CG. Clever, exciting, and brutally violent, Total Recall is the embodiment of the word "fun." Happy 22nd Birthday, Total Recall.

10/10 (but it's really an 11)

PS I forgot to mention the one-liners! The film is overflowing with great one-liners.

Jingle All the Way (1996)

The greatest Christmas movie of all time! Jingle All the Way pits Arnold Schwarzenegger against the last-minute holiday shopping season, including obstacles such as Sinbad the mailman, Jim Belushi the mall Santa con man, and others. The film manages to almost entirely throw off the shackles of Christmas sentimentality, instead focusing on the more realistic aspects of Christmas. While done in good fun, the film not only portrays materialism and getting caught up in the commercialism of the season in a favorable light, it also seems to encourage buying the love of your kid. God, I love this movie! So instead of a heart-warming lesson about the spirit of Christmas, you get Arnold running around like an idiot. And what more can you ask for?

8/10

***The High Eighties (1986-1993)

The years of 1986-1993 are what I like to call the High Eighties. During these years there was an unusually high number of classic action films released. Previously, other than a select few films like the Star Wars films and Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), you don't really see the level of polish in action films that you see during the High Eighties. I personally consider Aliens (1986) the film that officially jump-started the era. Schwarzenegger is in his prime, hitting three home runs within these eight years with Predator (1987), Total Recall (1990), and Terminator 2 (1991). Stallone had a milestone classic at the butt-end of the era with Cliffhanger (1993), as well as a couple minor hits with Over the Top (1987) (one of the few decent Cannon Films movies ever made if there is such a thing) and Tango & Cash (1989). You see the rise of Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Dolph Lundgren. I would argue that almost all of Seagal's "good" films are contained within the High Eighties starting with Above the Law (1988) and ending with Under Siege (1992). JCVD sees his career started in 1988 with Bloodsport, then he acts in a string of mediocre films until he stars with Dolph Lundgren in Roland Emmerich's awesome low-budget effort Universal Soldier (1992). Dolph Lundgren also stars in a little-known cult gem entitled Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991) which takes the energy of Commando (1985, same director, Mark L Lester) and combines it with the polish and style characteristic of the High Eighties. The High Eighties gave birth to the Paul Verhoeven/science fiction combination with Robocop (1987) and Total Recall (1990) (and later on Starship Troopers (1997)). Most importantly, the High Eighties showed that action movies could be elevated to an artform as is the case with Die Hard (1988), a masterpiece of action cinema, and arguably the greatest action film ever made.

I posit that the High Eighties was effectively ended by the beginning of 90s cinema (another great era in and of itself): Jurassic Park (1993).