A View to a Kill (1985)

Roger Moore's final attempt to destroy the franchise almost succeeds in A View to a Kill. Not even Christopher Walken's presence can provide any relief. Walken plays Max Zorin, an insane but enterprising businessman who wants to eradicate Silicon Valley so that he can create a microchip cartel. But for some reason he starts by rigging horse races. We spend the first HOUR investigating horse-race doping until we finally get into the main plot. I zoned out for over half of the runtime. Occasionally, a stunt here or there would be impressive, but I was so tired of obvious stunt doubles and bad rear projection that I just didn't care. Roger is at his eyebrow-waggling zenith and it's more irritating than ever. In no other Bond film have I rooted for anyone to lodge a bullet into Bond's head. They had a few good chances, too! Grace Jones is terrifying, and the other Bond girl--Tanya Roberts--is worse than Denise Richards (!). I could go on, but I think I can safely say that A View to a Kill is the worst Bond film ever made.

1/10

Octopussy (1983)

Roger Moore's sixth outing is hardly worth mentioning as it contributes nothing special to the franchise. The story is lame, the dialogue is lame, the stunts are lame, the theme song is lame, the gadgets are lame, the villains are lame, the girls are lame, and the Indian setting is borderline insulting. Everything is LAME. Old creaky bones Moore limps his way through India trying to follow the nefarious scheme involving jewels and nuclear bombs. Maud Adams returns to the franchise--heaven knows why--as Octopussy. Speaking of which, who nicknames their kid Octopussy? Every time anyone said "Octopussy," I was embarrassed for the actors. The film is not quite as inept as Man with the Golden Gun (the other Maud Adams Bond film), but it's not good. The film isn't even well-made from a technical standpoint since they had to edit around Moore's lame-o fight scenes and stunt doubles. But the biggest problem is that there are no stakes and no suspense to counteract Moore's foaming mouth-shit and eyebrow waggling. Octopussy is bad camp and utterly boring.

4/10

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

I'm going to skip Moonraker for now. I'll get to it later.

Roger Moore returns for his fifth outing as James Bond. The plot is boring, the henchmen are boring, and the Bond girls are boring. Fortunately, the stunts and action scenes are really great. Bond certainly skied a lot during Roger Moore's run, but this time we've got spiked-tire motorcycles in hot pursuit. Bond scales a mountain to get to the fortress at the top. Bond swims in yet another set of underwater scenes. Roger Moore is bearable here, maybe looking a little wrinkly, but he is supported by some good actors: Topol and Julian Glover. The Bond girl Melina is striking, but there's not really any chemistry there. The blonde ice skater protege is probably the single worst Bond girl in a film, but I don't think she really counts. Although the music by Bill Conti was grating at first--Rocky does Bond--it grew on me. It's not a great Bondian soundtrack, especially not with that horrible Sheena Easton theme song, but it's pretty fun. Altogether, a pretty enjoyable flick.

6/10

Spy Who Loved Me, The (1977)

The Spy Who Loved Me is a slight improvement over the previous installment--Bond's character is a little less inconsistent and the film is a little better executed--but I feel the film is a hollow imitation of From Russia with Love. Bond is sent on a joint Anglo-Soviet mission to discover what happened to two nuclear submarines that were stolen from both countries, partnering up with a wide-eyed Soviet spy played by Barbara Bach. Unfortunately, her acting is unbearable. The 70s are in full swing here, and they don't treat Bond well. Flared tuxedo pants, tacky cars, and a wakka-wakka 70s TV soundtrack mar the film. The puns are embarrassingly bad. The villain is kind of lame, but his base is pretty cool. The special effects are executed quite well, with some really fantastic miniature work. The best part of the film is Richard Kiel's Jaws--cheesy but menacing, indestructible but not yet the caricature he became in Moonraker.

5/10

PS: I can't help but wonder why the far more attractive Caroline Munro was not given a more significant role in the film.

Man with the Golden Gun, The (1974)

Good lord, what a stinker. The Man with the Golden Gun has an interesting premise, Christopher Lee as the villain, and polished production values (a bit cartooned up--goddamn you slide whistle!), but it ultimately falls flat due to an uninspired script, a poorly developed characterization of Bond (agitated further by Roger Moore), and the dreadful Mary Goodnight. I enjoyed the Asian setting (China and Bangkok), but there's definitely some subdued racism going on there, particularly with the character of JW (why the HELL did they bring him back?). Bond is no stranger to women or being a brute, but he usually has more finesse than this. All he does in this is crack lame jokes, gallivant around with women, and beat the pants off people for information. It's like they forced the animalistic nature of Sean Connery's Bond onto Roger Moore, and it is just unbearable. Which is probably the best word to describe the film as a whole.

4/10