Conan the Barbarian (2011)

YEEEAAAARRRGH! The how-is-this-not-direct-to-video remake of John Milius' 1982 sword and sorcery staple is mind-numbingly bland, a miserable combination of "cool" action and no character development. If you like seeing people get gutted, stabbed, sliced, punched, smashed, flipped, burned, or any number of other methods of dying at the hands of a character-less slab of meat, then this film is for you. The plot isn't much different from the original 1982 film in that it's a basic fantasy revenge plot, but the devil's in the details. The '82 film, while not perfect, posed some questions regarding morality, strength, and the philosophy of war. Not only that, the '82 film had fantastic sets, crunchy action sequences, a fascinating villain, and a masterpiece of a film score. Even if I stopped comparing this to the original film, Conan '11 fails to live up to even the basic standards of filmmaking. There is not a single aspect of the film that could be called "redeeming." Not even the only thing it focused on--the fight scenes--could be called noteworthy. I was so unimpressed and bored by this film that by the end, I was making "think checks," asking myself if I had thought anything about the film in the last few minutes. I thought Silent Running was pretty bad, but at least I was thinking about something during it. Conan the Barbarian '11 made my mind blank harder than I think it has in years. Stay away.

2/10