Judge Dredd (1995)

Judge Dredd is a big, dumb action flick starring Sylvester Stallone that is really hated on, but it isn't really as bad as people claim. Sure, you've got Sylvester Stallone and Armand Assante overacting. Sure, you've got a terribly written script and a derivative plot. None of that really matters. The film is actually pretty fun. What really brings the film down, though, is the presence of Rob Schneider in the second half of the film. I actually thought that the first half of the film was quite enjoyable, and I felt like the second half would have been fine, too, had it not been for his constant blabbering. I don' t think a single one of Schneider's comments is actually funny. They're so poorly written and delivered that they're not even "so bad they're funny." They're just bad. Basically, I think Judge Dredd could have stood its own as a polished and fun (yet somewhat bland) action film, but Rob Schneider had to ruin it for everyone. Someone should fan-edit him out. Oh, I forgot to mention: Diane Lane is stunning in this.

6/10

Narrow Margin (1990)

Narrow Margin is a by-the-numbers action thriller about a deputy district attorney (Gene Hackman) seeking out and protecting the witness to a mob assassination of her blind date. Because it's directed by Peter Hyams, I expected it to be at least a solid--but not spectacular--film, and it was. Hackman gives a very sharp performance. The dialogue for the most part is well-written, although there is one monologue that the witness gives about half-way through the movie that had me cringing. The story is pretty simple, with a few light curve balls thrown in but nothing groundbreaking. The amount of stunt-work involving the real actors (for example, on top of a moving train with no discernible rear-projection/blue-screen) is impressive. Overall, a fun film to kill the time. It is worthy to note that this film uses the basic standing-on-a-train and making a tall joke before villain gets decapitated by a tunnel setup four years before Speed (1994) did.

6/10

Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection (1990)

The idiot-savants at Cannon Film erred on the side of idiot with this stinker sequel to The Delta Force (1986). This time, the Delta Force takes on a drug cartel in a fictional central American country, with Chuck Norris splitting from the pack to rescue hostages being held in a druglord's estate. The plot is taken directly from the "Drugs are Bad" pile of scripts, while the dialogue is free advertising for America's War on Drugs. The acting is bad, and the characters are poorly developed. The officer leading the Delta Force is just a trigger-happy goon, who is just DYING to destroy all the drugs. Yes, Delta Force 2 is another propaganda film. Except this time its pandering and annoying as hell. Not even the action scenes are very much fun. One thing is for sure, Delta Force 2 is more like a boring lecture than a rally-the-troops Budweiser-and-America-the-Beautiful type of film.

3/10

Delta Force, The (1986)

From our favorite 80s production company, Cannon Film, comes what is possibly their finest action film--The Delta Force. Chuck Norris stars as a member of a task force assigned to rescue a planeful of hostages taken by Lebanese terrorists. For some reason, Chuck Norris is given special treatment, one of the perks being a motorcycle that magically has as many rockets as he needs that fire with sniper-like precision. Thrown into the mix is a characteristically 80s score, with layers upon layers of synthesizers and plenty of drum machine for everyone. The Delta Force is essentially an American propaganda film: Not only do you have a special task force that performs its task with barely a single hitch, you've got the hostages happily singing "America the Beautiful" while cracking open Budweisers when they are rescued. Can you get any more American than that?

7/10

Cliffhanger (1993)

A late entry in the High Eighties era of action films, Cliffhanger is a highly entertaining popcorn flick starring Sylvester Stallone as a mountain rescue climber. Still recovering from a tragic accident, Sylvester Stallone is asked to return to mountain climbing to help his ex-friend Michael Rooker (screaming his way through the picture as usual) as they get caught up in an air-to-air (very impressive stunt) heist gone wrong. The crowning achievement of the picture, though, is John Lithgow's loony performance as the villain Eric Qualen--a performance that is 10% menacing and 90% hilarious. I love Lithgow's performance in all its fake-British-accent, tongue-wagging, eyes-bugging glory. Falling off cliffs, knifings, shootings, fist fights, stalactitings, exaggerated explosions, and other fatal lapses in logic (where did they get C4... twice?) are the bread and butter of Cliffhanger, but what tasty bread and butter it is.

8/10

PS: Stallone's mouth sags even when he is hanging upside down.

Quatermass and the Pit (1967) aka Five Million Years to Earth

One of the finest films to come out of Hammer Studios, Quatermass and the Pit is a little science-fiction film that thinks big--global proportions. Andrew Keir stars as the title character in a much more compassionate and human portrayal of Quatermass (see The Quatermass Xperiment). While digging in an abandoned underground railway tunnel, a crew discovers several prehistoric skeletons and an unidentifiable object that sets up the mystery of what it is and why it's there. Quatermass and an investigative team of scientists work toward an answer while having to fight with the petty political concerns of the government. The film was done on a low-medium budget (~$4-7 million adjusted for inflation), but the filmmakers manage to hide this for the most part. The excellent writing and thought-provoking story makes up for the film's flaws.

9/10

Footloose (1984)

The 80s were a wonderful time for pop hits in film. In Footloose, you've got the gargantuan Kenny Loggins writing and performing two great hits as well as songs like "Let's Hear It For the Boy" and the dramatic (is there any other kind?) Bonnie Tyler song "Holding Out for a Hero." Kevin Bacon dances his way into conflict with a fundamentalist Christian town led by John Lithgow in a surprisingly well-rounded "villain" role. The film is cheesy, and it's hard not to be when full-length synth-laced 80s pop hits are playing every five minutes. When Kevin Bacon dances in the warehouse to his little car stereo, they don't even attempt to make the music sound like it's coming out of a car stereo. The instant he turns it on, it's already completely omnipresent and blasting full volume. This logic follows for every boombox and stereo in the film. And that's how hard they must have been pushing the Footloose soundtrack to sell. It worked.

7/10

Edit--corrected the title of the Bonnie Tyler song

Rambo III (1988)

Rambo III is a simple, unfocused, and rather idiotic action movie. Trautman is taken hostage by the Russians in Afghanistan, and Rambo decides to go in and save him. If they had stuck to that, it might have been an entertaining 80-minute action film... but no. They had to try and develop Rambo's sensitive side and incorporate a message before he goes on the killing spree we all expected. Not only that, they have several lengthy scenes where Trautman spits several politically charged diatribes. Rambo, despite his attempt earlier in the movie to move away from violence, has an arsenal of weapons that the US military would envy. It was like this movie was written by a ten year old with attention deficit disorder. Rambo kills something with a different weapon in nearly every scene, not to mention the incredibly unlikely hanging/explosion-after-lengthy-fist-fight scene. Which was hilarious. Rambo III is mildly entertaining, but ultimately not focused or intelligent enough to carry itself with dignity.

5/10

PS: The closing credits song rivals the song from the original film's closing credits for sheer awfulness.

Rocketeer, The (1991)

The Rocketeer is a fun adventure film from the early 90s that holds up pretty well. Like Dick Tracy, The Shadow, and The Phantom, The Rocketeer has both a period charm and comic book feel to it. You've got Nazis, mobsters, a zeppelin, and Howard Hughes lumped together in a kind of small-town big-conspiracy story about a boy who finds a secret rocket-pack and tries to protect his friends and the rocket from falling into the wrong hands. The actors are all top-notch, with Alan Arkin playing Billy Campbell's mentor/partner and Timothy Dalton playing a sneering, snobbish (but dreamy) movie actor. Jennifer Connelly is stunning, especially in that white dress at the South Seas club. The special effects are done quite well. Five years later, Schwarzenegger would don a jet pack like the one in this film, but the effects don't look nearly as good in Jingle All the Way as they do here. A great film for kids, but also enjoyable for the adults.

7/10

Death Warrant (1990)

Death Warrant is an average entry into Jean-Claude Van Damme's filmography. Van Damme plays a cop who, on behalf of some crooked politicians, goes to prison undercover to investigate a string of murders that have taken place. As usual, he duck-walks his way through the picture, mumbling his lines in short heavily-accented phrases, and slings roundhouse kicks like they were the prison cafeteria special. At first, I thought they managed to hide that goose egg on his forehead, but I was sadly mistaken. The main villain (of several) is The Sandman, a menacing, ugly, and virtually invincible serial killer--but he talks too much. The murder method of choice was to "spike" the prisoners through the head, but when Van Damme says it, it sounds like "spank"... which I think is highly appropriate for a Van Damme prison film.

6/10

PS: For you avid Jean-Claude Van Damme fans, JCVD does get naked, but there are no gratuitous ass shots or split kicks. Sorry.

PPS: The girl-partner tells Van Damme at one point, "You're getting wet." He was standing in the rain at the time. It sounded like it was loaded with innuendo. I don't know what she meant.

PPPS: This just in: Death Warrant is actually a Cannon Film! I love Cannon Film!

Event Horizon (1997)

With Event Horizon, Paul WS Anderson proved he was able to direct a great film. Starring Sam Neill and Laurence Fishburne, Event Horizon is a violent, gory, and absolutely frightening film about a crew sent to investigate the reappearance of the ship that went missing mysteriously seven years before. The film reminded me of many sci-fi flicks that have gone before it, but somehow it managed to combine these elements quite well for a very rewarding experience. While marred by a few poor CG moments, the special effects are ultimately pretty good, with many of the elements looking like they were models (I'm not sure if they were, but I sure hope so). I was very impressed. Despite his poor reputation, my respect for Paul WS Anderson just keeps on growing.

8/10

Masters of the Universe (1987)

From my favorite low-budget production company, Cannon Film, comes the live-action motion picture event of the century! Rejoice, for He-Man, starring Swedish ubermensch Dolph Lundgren, has come to the big screen! Unfortunately, Dolph doesn't get enough screen time to develop as He-Man (and he needed more screen time just to prove that he can emote), but this is alleviated by the awesome screen presence of Frank Langella as Skeletor, the amazing visual effects by Richard Edlund, and a rousing (but highly derivative) score by Rocky-composer Bill Conti. The story is idiotic to the max and some of the makeup and sound effects are really embarrassing, but it's got enough lightning bolts, laser blasts, sword battles, and explosions to keep even the shortest attention span watching. The Masters of the Universe do a lot of killing in this movie, but the thing they kill best is time!

7/10