Danger: Diabolik (1968)

Charmingly cheesy, Danger: Diabolik is an Italian comic book movie produced and directed by schlock masters Dino de Laurentiis and Mario Bava, respectively. Diabolik (John Phillip Law) thwarts the police force every step of the way as he heists all sorts of goodies--$10 million, an emerald necklace, and a 20-ton ingot of gold!--for his gorgeous girlfriend and sidekick Eva (Marisa Mell). The production is quite lavish, employing a plethora of neat camera tricks, grandiose set designs, and elaborate matte paintings. The score by Ennio Morricone rips through the film, with acid-drenched guitars and the loungey yet somewhat Bondian theme song "Deep Deep Down." The combined efforts of Bava, de Laurentiis, (and Morricone) result in a very stylish, garishly colorful, and fun outing. But as is the trend with Bava, style takes precedent over substance. Despite all of the great music and visuals, the acting falls pretty flat, not aided whatsoever by a sometimes dubious dub and a pretty weak script.

6/10

Hellraiser (1987)

From New World Pictures (second only to Cannon) and writer-director Clive Barker comes a gruesome, bloody, and fun horror picture. Larry Cotton (played by Andrew Robinson, the insane Scorpio from Dirty Harry) moves into an old house owned by his family with his second wife. Unbeknownst to him, his brother Frank has gotten into trouble with netherworld overseers, the Cenobites, and his wife Julia is helping him return to the material plane. The story, acting, and production values are a bit low in places, but the atmosphere and special effects make up for it. Slimy, bloody, disjointed prosthetic effects include: the iconic pinhead Cenobite; part of a re-materializing, coagulating body pushing itself through an attic floor before joining itself together; and a floating, wall climbing scorpion-like demon. Hellraiser has issues, but it's good, over-the-top fun.

7/10

Evil of Frankenstein, The (1964)

The Evil of Frankenstein is a serviceable Hammer Horror film that brings nothing new to their Frankenstein franchise. In typical Hammer fashion, the film is a slim 84 minutes and stars Peter Cushing as Dr Frankenstein. After a foiled experiment, Dr Frankenstein returns home to Karlstad where ten years previous his monster (Kiwi Kingston) was chased down and presumed dead. The film doesn't seem to be continuous with the film preceding it, The Revenge of Frankenstein. The production is polished and colorful with some atmospheric sets and special effects, and the creation sequences are notably ratcheted up employing both on-set electrical effects and animated lightning. Not even the grandiose effects sequences can save the picture, though. The film is the first in the series to employ the Universal-style "bucket head" monster, but despite this homage to the 30s films, the makeup work is absolutely horrible. It's short, so if you're a fan of Hammer Frankenstein, I'd watch it. Otherwise, skip it.

5/10

Len Wiseman's Total Recall (2012)

Given my fandom for the original film, it's probably hard to believe me when I say Len Wiseman's take on Total Recall is complete and utter garbage, but it is. Wiseman's Total Recall is basically Verhoeven's Total Recall done over in shades of generic action. Gone is the humor and the playfulness of the original. In its place is an action film that is far stupider than the original, but takes itself far more seriously. Colin Farrell has no on-screen persona or charm and the main women characters--Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel--are nothing but eye candy. The film relies too heavily on computer graphics, and the color scheme is an incredibly unoriginal mix of drab blue, brown, and gray. The camerawork is ADD-addled, and I couldn't believe the number of lens flares. They try to keep the dream/reality ambiguity of the original, but it seems like Wiseman is more concerned with forcing "cool" action setpieces than with providing anything intelligent, logical, or competent.

3/10

Fortress (1992)

In a world where prisons are corporatized and reproductive rights are severely restricted and regulated, Christopher Lambert and wife try to have a second child, only to be arrested and taken to a prison complex that is run by a mentally unstable warden (Kurtwood Smith). This film is super cheesy but a lot of fun. With lines like "I'm never not going to love you," you can tell that the quality of writing was not the filmmakers' main focus. Neither was acting, as they chose the perpetually inept Lambert to play the main character. Luckily, the film does not rest on his acting and more on the special effects and cool futuristic prison setting. Jeffrey Combs and Vernon Wells are both in pretty fantastic supporting roles. The prosthetic effects are awesome, most of which revolve around a pain and/or death delivery device implanted into the prisoners' gut called an Intestinator. Fortress is no masterpiece, but it's a solid 90s action film.

6/10

Dark Knight Rises, The (2012)

Christopher Nolan's final film in the new Batman trilogy is entertaining but messy. The cast is absolutely fantastic, and the film has many exciting and well-executed scenes. Unfortunately the script is full of plot holes, the writing is pandering, and the film feels like a hollow imitation of its predecessor. Despite the 165 minute run time, the pacing is rushed, leaving no time for anything to sink in. Nolan throws in a few of his favorite pseudo-philosophy / morally ambiguous "thinking" moments, but they feel forced and fake. Tom Hardy's Bane is interesting, but the terrible mixing choice for his voice consistently pulled me out of the picture. So did Hans Zimmer's obnoxiously loud score. Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Michael Caine, and Morgan Freeman all turned in good performances and were a pleasure to watch. Hell, even Anne Hathaway was decent. Cotillard was irritating as all hell, though. The film had a lot going for it, but it was just sloppy.

6/10

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

I'm going to skip Moonraker for now. I'll get to it later.

Roger Moore returns for his fifth outing as James Bond. The plot is boring, the henchmen are boring, and the Bond girls are boring. Fortunately, the stunts and action scenes are really great. Bond certainly skied a lot during Roger Moore's run, but this time we've got spiked-tire motorcycles in hot pursuit. Bond scales a mountain to get to the fortress at the top. Bond swims in yet another set of underwater scenes. Roger Moore is bearable here, maybe looking a little wrinkly, but he is supported by some good actors: Topol and Julian Glover. The Bond girl Melina is striking, but there's not really any chemistry there. The blonde ice skater protege is probably the single worst Bond girl in a film, but I don't think she really counts. Although the music by Bill Conti was grating at first--Rocky does Bond--it grew on me. It's not a great Bondian soundtrack, especially not with that horrible Sheena Easton theme song, but it's pretty fun. Altogether, a pretty enjoyable flick.

6/10