Horror Express aka Panico en el Transiberiano (1972)

Horror Express is fantastic mix of Euro-style horror, mixing elements of British Hammer Horror films with those of the more violent Spanish and Italian-style films of the 1970s. Horror Express makes me wonder how much of the film was intentional, because it's an uncanny mix of fun and horror, especially for '72. There's enough in this movie to please any B-movie fan including a prehistoric monster, crackpot science, alien possession, and zombies, not to mention other goofy elements like Russian cossacks (led by Telly Savalas!) and a Rasputin-esque mad monk (played excellently by Alberto de Mendoza). Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee are at the center of the picture, lending the film as much credence as it can possibly have. What better pair to have by your side when having to swallow some of the worst "science" put to film? The characters are flat and the plot is nonsensical, but somehow it manages to pull you in. What really makes the movie, though, is the creepy little things that just snowball to the end like the drained pupil-less eyes of the victims, the red glowing eyes of the possessed, and the creepy autopsy scene. The film is essentially The Thing on a train done Euro-horror style and it's really damn fun. Horror Express is the kind of forgotten horror film that you can only dream of stumbling upon. On the surface, it's no better than any other derivative horror pic, but it's so silly, energetic, and gleefully earnest that you can't help having a good time.

8/10

Curse of the Demon (1957)

Directed by Jacques Tourneur, Curse of the Demon is a delightfully entertaining witchcraft thriller with solid performances all around and fine-tuned technically. Dana Andrews plays a psychologist investigating the death of a colleague who had gotten mixed up in some witchcraft research. Andrews is an ardent skeptic despite being shown time after time that Dr Karswell (Niall MacGinnis) does in fact have magical powers. His pig-headedness gets to frustrating levels, but he finally gets it. MacGinnis' Karswell is equal parts charm and evil, performing party tricks for children one second then conjuring wind storms the next. The special effects for the late 50s are fantastic, particularly the smoke and fire effects. The demon itself, which was a point of contention between Tourneur and producer Hal Chester, was hit and miss but always surrounded by amazing light and smoke effects, the caliber of which I don't think we see again until the 1980s. My favorite effects moment came during a forest pursuit, where the protagonist was being chased by an enormous ball of white smoke. It looked amazing in black and white. The most impressive effects, though, come from the moody atmosphere and Tourneur's impeccable timing. There was one scene where I jumped two or three times... at silly things! It's like he took the Lewton bus to heart and started stacking them. They weren't even full on shock cuts. Complete with ancient tome, hexes, demons, and various other neat witchcraft related phenomena, Curse of the Demon is witchcraft horror done right.

8/10

Creeping Flesh, The (1973)

A surprisingly good B-horror film in the style of the Hammer flicks of the 60s and 70s. Peter Cushing plays a (rather terrible) scientist who stumbles upon the skeleton of a prehistoric man/beast while digging in New Guinea. His research suggests that his specimen is a prophesied demon--evil incarnate. He attempts to make a vaccination against evil using its blood cells after discovering it regenerates its flesh upon direct contact with water, then promptly experiments on a human being which predictably ends in terrible results. Christopher Lee plays his villainous half-brother, head of an insane asylum, and is not given nearly enough time on-screen. Lorna Heilbron plays Cushing's daughter, and pulls off a pretty impressive transformation from virginal to evil/slutty about halfway through. The writing is middling, and the pseudo-science that drives the picture is absolutely stupid, but the acting and the atmosphere are both excellent. So much so, that it holds the picture up from the ranks of other Hammer fare that often would sink into cliche or boredom. The creeping flesh special effect was fun for low-budget 70s and the monster unleashed at the end was quite creepy. One funny thing to note: For a significant portion of the picture, the only creeping flesh we see is on a giant digit of the monster's finger bone that Cushing hacks off. Because of the lack of definition the sculpting had, it looks like Cushing is waving around an enormous demon dildo.

7/10

Robot Jox (1990)

Robot Jox was an entertaining ninety minutes, but under the shallow popcorn exterior was the potential to be much more. It's done in 80s action / kid's-movie fashion: heavy on action and special effects, light on logic, and aimed squarely for the "cool" factor. Surprisingly, the film's universe has more depth than your average kiddie actioner. It takes place in a dystopian future where the Soviet and American factions settle territorial disputes by duking two giant mech robots against each other in arena-style combat. Achilles' main character arc is kind of stupid. His tenth contracted match ends in a tie after a debilitating accident. The Russian robot jo(x)ck demands a rematch, but Achilles refuses until a genetically engineered robot jox he has a bit of a crush on is chosen as the rematchee. Blah blah blah. It's okay. They could have focused on Achilles' honor as an athlete, the mixing of politics and money, how a genetically-engineered human is different from a normal one, why there are fertility ads plastered all over, how the world decided to use giant mechs to solve their problems, etc. Anything would have elevated Robot Jox, but the filmmakers misfired on all counts except the Saturday morning cartoon aspect. At least they do a decent job with that--the stop-motion is really great. Robot Jox is worth a look because it's more provocative than it seems. Sadly, all of the interesting parts get buried under a dumb kid's show.

5/10

Planet of the Vampires aka Terrore nello spazio (1965)

Mario Bava is a master of style, the grandfather of Italian horror, and a genius when it comes to dressing up an extra low-budget picture. Black Sunday and Danger: Diabolik both proved him capable of directing fun genre pictures, even if not all of his films are as brilliant as the former. Unfortunately, Planet of the Vampires is not good enough to be engaging, and not bad enough to be funny (like Starcrash). It hits that middle ground where a film has a few positives and a few negatives that balance out to an all-round boring experience. The color, lighting, and fog are great as usual, but sadly the film is lacking something--a compelling human element or maybe, simply, charm. Two ships crash land on an unknown planet. A mysterious entity causes the crew members to become possessed and kill one another. It's a bit like The Thing meets Alien, but not nearly as interesting. There was some potential energy in the story department, but none of it was tapped. The characters are stupid like only bad sci-fi characters can be, leaving one person behind at every step of the way so that they can meet their inevitable demise. Another problem is that because no one character is developed and no one has any distinctive visual markings, it's difficult to follow the action. By the end of the first third, I just didn't care anymore and hoped the film could string me along for the ride. It couldn't. It's a shame that the Italians couldn't seem to grasp sci-fi in the 60s and 70s amidst their great horror films and westerns. Planet of the Vampires is no exception.

4/10

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

What do you get when you combine a cartoony Japanese video game with 80s action? You get Super Mario Bros! Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo star as Mario and Luigi, respectively. They're grimy plumbers from Brooklyn who encounter a girl, Daisy. She is kidnapped into an alternate dimension run by King Koopa (Dennis Hopper), and so, in typical fashion, Mario & Luigi must save the princess to save the day. Super Mario Bros is an odd clash. On a very shallow level, it's based on Mario--it has Koopas, Goombas, mushrooms, bob-ombs, etc, although most are in name only. Otherwise, it's Cannon Film meets dark fantasy world. It's like someone described the Mario games in Japanese, translated it to English, and sent it to a writer who adapted it into the most popular Hollywood genre at the time. If you're going to compare its fidelity to the video games, you're in for a bad time. On the other hand, if you're looking for a wildly different take on the Mario universe, Super Mario Bros delivers. It's a dark, creepy, twisted mess that brings action movie "realism" (and industrial grating) to a complete fantasy land, but with that "realism" comes the logical inconsistencies, plot holes, poor characterizations and dialogue. This movie is Nintendo platformer meets Sega Genesis shoot 'em up, and as sacrilegious as that sounds, I liked it.

6/10--Maybe a little generous, but it deserves to be offset a little bit from the hate parade.