On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

On Her Majesty's Secret Service is the most emotionally mature and heartbreaking of the Bond films, bringing the character to new highs (and new lows). While Bond's character is developed to a level rarely seen in any of the films, George Lazenby is a doofus, plain and simple. He's just painfully bland compared to the charm and swagger that Sean Connery spoiled us with. The film is a bloated 140 minutes, with much of the runtime dedicated to Bond uncovering Blofeld's rather idiotic plot for global domination--boring and childish. I like Savalas, but I found his Blofeld to be tiresome. The production is polished, with excellent action set pieces (great, but few) and some fantastic special effects (avalanche!). This may be the best Bond score John Barry ever did. And I'm hard-pressed to think of a lovelier, sexier, or smarter Bond girl than Diana Rigg. She's the only Bond girl I've ever become emotionally invested in. It's a shame they had to waste such an incredible production on such a lame Bond.

7/10

Prometheus (2012)

Epic and gorgeous, Prometheus is a worthy entry in the Alien universe. On the flip side of that, though, is a certain element of narrow character development, nasty (although not entirely unwelcome) violence, and unanswered questions. My biggest problem with the film was that none of the main characters were likeable. The team of scientists (presumably) are not very much like a team and, despite the trillion dollar price tag of the expedition, seem to fall apart almost as soon as they wake up. With the exception of Logan Marshall-Green, I found the actors to all range from competent to excellent (especially Michael Fassbender), but again, their characters were irritating. The recurring "what I choose to believe" mantra was particularly annoying because you would think scientists 80 years in the future would set aside religious belief for objectivity, but the mantra also speaks to the plot as the foundation for the expedition has very little evidence beyond belief. The art direction, set design, and special effects were really fantastic. There were a couple splotches of bad CG, but overall I was really impressed.

7/10

PS: Forgot to mention. I thought the score was excellent.

Diamonds are Forever (1971)

Sean Connery's sixth outing as Bond is a shift from his first five. Instead of colorful, exotic locales, Bond's mission leads him to a rather cheap-looking Las Vegas where he uncovers a plot for global domination. Diamonds are Forever is packed with terrible dialogue, goofy scenes (the moon buggy chase scene through the desert), annoying henchmen (Mr Wint and Mr Kidd), and, well, general campiness. Tiffany Case (Jill St John) has always rubbed me the wrong way, but lucky for us, Diamonds are Forever also gave us Plenty O'Toole (Lana Wood). Despite Lana's inability to act, she's still one of the best looking girls in a Bond film. Charles Gray's Blofeld is a goofy mess, which I guess is something you could say of the film as a whole. Except for the music. John Barry's score (including Bassey's "Diamonds are Forever") is top-notch, containing brilliant orchestral arrangements, bombastic brass, and that lick of electric guitar characteristic of Bond in the 60s. Definitely a fun film, just not a great one.

6/10

Caltiki, the Immortal Monster (1959)

Caltiki the Immortal Monster is beautiful schlock fare. While the plot is nothing to write home about, involving an archaeology dig and a giant unicellular blob that eats away flesh and causes its victims to go insane, the black and white cinematography is gorgeous. Cinematographer and uncredited director Mario Bava definitely left his mark on Caltiki through the use of the distinctive black-and-white style that he perfected a year later with Black Sunday. Even with a murky print, the high contrast, bold shadow style was a visual feast. It's too bad Bava didn't make any more B&W films after Black Sunday. The special effects were a mix of good and bad: while Caltiki itself was kind of cheesy being essentially a tripe monster, some of the miniatures were decent, and the eaten-away-flesh gore were pretty convincing. The dubbing is pretty terrible which is to be expected from Italian film from this era, but thankfully it didn't really get in the way. Caltiki is no masterpiece, but it's entertaining enough that it deserves at least a basic clean-up job.

5/10

Green Slime, The (1968)

The Green Slime is a hokey B-movie made by the Japanese with an all American cast in 1968. An asteroid headed to earth is destroyed by an experienced team of astronauts, only to have an unknown lifeform return to their base with them. The writing is incredibly bad causing a lot of unintentional humor, particularly when it comes to the macho posturing between characters Rankin and Eliot. Rankin is basically your run-of-the-mill no nonsense, prominent jawline, and dashing good looks all-American hero. The number of times he shows the ever-whining Eliot who's boss is incredible. The special effects are typical Japanese fare for the period--extensive yet shoddy miniature work and man-in-rubber-suit monsters. Aside from the fun theme song, the soundtrack sounds like they were sorely underbudget because a good majority of it consists of someone noodling one note at a time on an electric guitar. The Green Slime is entertaining but very silly.

4/10

Total Recall (1990)

Where do I even begin with this one? Total Recall is an action masterpiece. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Douglas Quaid, a blue collar worker with a desire to go to Mars. Because his wife won't let him, he gets a memory implant of a Mars vacation--with himself as a secret agent. Something goes wrong, and we spend the rest of the time chasing a secret agent Arnold around not knowing whether he really was a secret agent or just living out his memory implant. Total Recall is a perfect storm of 80s talent: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Paul Verhoeven both in their prime, Sharon Stone in her hottest role (that pants suit!), Michael Ironside playing a deliciously mean henchman, Ronny Cox hot off of playing Dick Jones in Robocop, Rob Bottin doing makeup effects, a screenplay penned by Alien writers Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusett, and a percussive synthesizer-and-brass laden score composed by Jerry Goldsmith. The cinematography by Jost Vacano is dynamic and fluid, gracefully gliding through the scenes and accenting the action. On top of all this, Total Recall is a special effects powerhouse, a textbook film for 80s special effects, employing nearly every trick in the book: miniatures, matte paintings, prosthetics, makeup, puppetry, a generous handful of deliciously bloody bullet squibs, 80s lightning, and even a brief moment of CG. Clever, exciting, and brutally violent, Total Recall is the embodiment of the word "fun." Happy 22nd Birthday, Total Recall.

10/10 (but it's really an 11)

PS I forgot to mention the one-liners! The film is overflowing with great one-liners.